Delhi Ponnu Leela

April 2, 2010 at 2:27 pm | Posted in bong, King markiV returns | 9 Comments
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This is actually a collection of Tweets I had posted a bit back… I plan to continue it- thodarkadhai style- some day. But as all mega thodars go- it seems pretty complete as it is, and I haven’t written much to add in quite a while. Additionally, after the ‘First Post after Coma’ post last week, I’ve really been wanting to write something here. Moral satisfaction, you see.

Delhi Leela speaks the story of Leela, the northie raised Tamil girl that went missing one day. The story speaks the emotional turmoil of the parents at home- the denial, shifting of responsibilities, anger and guilt experienced by each. Further, it discusses the social issues and factors that affects the daily life of the Indian middle class.

Hah.. Funny you actually fell for that. But Delhi Leela is my contribution to Tamil Literature. Some day kids will read through this for their Tamil exams and they will ask you doubts in Explaining with Reference to Context. So read it now- prevent the avamanam of ignorance…

[Introduction]

delhi ponnu leela,
color pasum paala,
delhi ponnu leela-
kanum naalu naala

leela ode aalu,
paeru edho baalu,
counter le vanguvan maalu…
avanum leave naalu naallu!

delhi ponnu leela,
kanum naalu naala,
kadhalicha baala-
ava odi ponala?

[On Health]

baalu veetuku pona,
ange irukkan veena,
odambu ellam leena..
baalu enna aanan!

anju naala janni,
jugule soodu thanni,
kaichalile panni,
its not even funny…

leela ille ange,
sonna baalu thange,
visaranayum thonga..
namma delhi leela yenge?

[On Memories]

namma leela ponnu,
delhi naatu kannu,
thingaradho bunnu,
aana thamizh mannu

delhi ponnu leela,
kaanum naalu naala,
geetha- seetha- maala,
inge engyachum irukala?

ava pesuradho hindi,
sothule mudhal pandhi,
aru manikku vandi
eduthu povale traffic le mundhi

[On Friends]

leela ode friendu,
irukudhunge jakku rendu,
geetha semma gundu,
seetha oru mandu

seetha veedu gaali,
kudumbathode jaali,
poittange tour-to-bali,
ange namakku enna joli?!

innoruthi geetha,
ezhidhirippa late-a,
sonnar tea-kada cheta-
leela ange poirruke maata

[On Fathers]

enge namma leela?
vaaya thorandha peela!
inniki varatum leela-
papom en kai a ava kaal-a!

northi-kaara naina,
polambal vittaru avaru line-a,
thooki valathene maina,
ipdi kaanume naina!

delhi ponnu leela,
kaanum naalu naala,
velaikku parappa aala,
enge enga leela?!

[On Bureaucracy]

arisi-paruppukku ration,
indha prechanaikku theva caution,
namma povom police station-
area inspector kooda Booshan…

eduthange paper vella,
vevarama prechanaya solla,
enge Leela inge illa-
adhu dhan engalukku tholla…

complaint a paatharu maama,
bajjiya kadicharu calm-a,
aatha ve ketaru ‘yema,
ipdi ponna anuppalaama?!’

enna solluva aatha,
kanneer ode naina ve paatha,
‘kuch kuch hotha’,
(sorry hindi kaari aatha)

[On Divinity]

‘pazhani malai vela,
yen ponnu thirumbuvaala?,
kaanum naalu naala-
na thooki valathene leela!’

‘aandi appa! Kumara!
naa paesa maaten thimura,
kununja thala nimura,
en Leela enge Kumara’

‘kootitu ponavan yaaru?’,
‘konjum kanna thorandhu paaru’
aatha aayittale naaru,
naina ponaru bar-u

naalu aachu anju,
aatha manasu panju,
summa irundha nenju
ippadi aaganuma nanju!

[On Family]

kudumbame motham,
vandhange thotti muththam,
yaara solla kuthtam..
kolla pakkam enna saththam?

sowkarpetta thatha,
vandhaaru konjum late-a..
‘enna peththa aatha!’,
‘kadaisiya yaaru paatha?’

sonnan driver jaggu,
‘na paaka dhan sar makku,
otuvadhil na quicku’, sonnan driver jaggu.

‘namma pakathu theru maami,
ava ponnu sivagami,
pooja sivare saami-
avange vootuku vazhiya kaami’

[On Suspicion]

naina aruvale pudicharu saanam-
idhu namma kudumba maanam,
enge leela ponne kanum,
ini ellaye vaanam!

delhi kaara appa,
tension aanare thappa,
chapathiyile uppa,
pottare appa..

‘poojaari mama,
vaaya thorandha rama,
ipdi pannalamma?’,
aana sindhicharu mama

raama mama moolai,
pooja seivaru moonu velai,
aana yem-perumaan leelai,
apdinu poitaru adutha vaela!

[On Habits]

delhi kaari leela,
kanum naalu naala,
andha bhel-puri wala
kooda poirpaala?

ava thalaiyile irundha poovu,
adhu vaadi moonu raavu,
andha bhel-puri kaaran paavu,
pulichu pona maavu

naina sindhicharu,
leela ode yaaru?
pengal manasa paaru-
kandupudichaaru

mudiyile paadhi,
ribbon kattum vyaadhi,
pengalenum jaadhi
ku irupadhu pazhaya seidhi

ponaru kada veedhi,
namma leela va thaedi,
ange thiruvizha nu seidhi,
ennikitrippa meedi

I really thought I’d end this here, but then it was too tempting to kill a character so out of character… So here goes after a few more days…

[On Heroism]

enge delhi leela,
innum oru naala,
kaanum ayyia leela,
namma ponnu kedaippala?

thedi pathan bussu,
koiyambedu- luzzu,
naina business-u
aayiduchu buss-u

appo vandha pandu,
thamizhan jamesu bondu,
police-kku vaandu,
KD-gal-ukku gaandu

pandu poduvane thoppi,
moppam pudipadhule puppy,
avan yerangitan na sappi,
inge porandhutan ya thappi

thirudan odinanna,
thorathi pudipaan maana,
UK-le porandhirundhanna,
holmes-e paandu dhaana??!

aarambichan modhal,
pandu oda thedal,
leela kudumba paadal –
ku aada mumbai model

[On Tamil Film Touches]

modhal rendu geetham,
paada suseela madam,
sangeetha kadal odum,
pandu nadathina paadam

vandhuchu edhir paatu,
accent-o vada naatu,
adhu leela ode paatu-
nee endha pakkamnu kaatu!

Thank You! Thank You…

Yes, Im making this a movie now…

A more complete list of crowd-sourced Tamil-English genocide is available here– especially this is the funniest IMHO, so do check it out. And if you have a Twitter account, you know what to do!

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Thus, another Avataaram

July 3, 2008 at 2:05 pm | Posted in bong, King markiV returns | 6 Comments
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My theories are often counter intuitive, but this one had me totally surprised. Just ended up watching Dasavatharam and didn’t feel anything spectacular about it. Just another color-color flick…It must be all that hype that surrounds the act that raises expectations to levels that can never be achieved, finally just ending the victim up with disappointment regardless of the initial worth of the act. It happened with Sivaji, and now with Dasavatharam again. And mind you, I am quite a fan of both super star and world hero (corny name).

But that’s not what Im going to be getting at. What worries me is that Tamil movies, like any other big-money business tend to follow a proven track of success. That is, until the track is sufficiently worn out, raped, plundered, withered, dried and gone. There was a college movie phase, seeing the invent of the likes of Prashanth and early Ajith. An initial success until there were movies with anybody who just stopped their scooter (this is the early to mid 80s) near AVM studio. A beat up story involving the hero riding a Yamaha RX100. Standard Ctrl+C scenes would include a college tour to a hill station on a beat up bus (with a banner saying “College Tour”), song, possible rape of asst heroine or attempted rape of heroine (heroine must always be virgin- even if married, divorced or with kids) by college rowdy. A few hundred movies with the same plot, story line, song sequence and long shot scenes until it stopped selling.

Then an action movie phase, a non-fighting romantic hero phase, police phase, criminal phase, zamindar plot phase, hero-comes-to-pattinam phase… And that’s what scares me. With Dasavatharam turning heads already, I hear Rajini’s coming up with 20 roles in his movie.
The trouble is, there’s a good chance that movie would run as well. It’s the Super Star for Christ’s sake! But it wouldn’t end there, would it? Lets just go ahead and extrapolate the consequences. How many could have the heart to take 25 Vijays in one movie? And Ajith fans wouldn’t be too far behind either. But that’s not what scares me either. At least these guys make entertaining masala.

So I just go ahead and imagine the icing of multi role movies- the true apple of our eyes. But to make the task simpler, lets put in the Dasavatharam plot. Only lets cut budgets by removing Kamal, Ravikumar, Himesh, the light and camera crew and all the other actors, extras etc. Starring TR!

A great actor needs to create a great space around himself. The plot revolves around TR, a DoD laurete who researches on integrating WMDs with poetry. An eloquent repeat of “Thatti Paathen Kottangachi” results in the gruesome creation of little superstar. In a parellel run, thousands of years ago homo sapiens hunt down not-yet-evolved cross bred human-bear populations. This part, like the original, has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, except its one extra role for our hero and no makeup! Heres a rough of TR on this role:

 bear

Basing my trust on the readers creativity I shall stop short with the plot and just give the equivalent of each character:

 George Bush: Veerasaamy as the all powerful MLA because both always end up getting me in splits of laughter. No matter how serious they are.

the sophisticate

The police guy: Vakeel Dhada from Kaadal Azhivadillai as the bringer of justice because they act pricey and have a nasal tone.

the don

The scientist guy: The Kaadal Daasan from Sonnal Daan Kaadalaa (that wise love guru+ poet) because both are the inventors of the WMD but end up acting like heroes. Couldn’t find a picture or a video of this so if you find one do send it across.

The dumb tall guy: Cameo dance in that Vallavan Song. The acting required, and elasticity of movement is just the same.

The Japanese Marital Arts guy: The martial arts expertise and timely punch dialogs during the fight… Who else but Vaa Daa En Machi.

That sand quarry guy: The witty lawyer speaker. There couldn’t be a better fitting role- both guys talk too much and look disgusting. Although one tries to look good- TR doesn’t need to TRY!

The Paati Role: Our hero could never get down to being a woman, let alone an old hag. But delirious and stupid- a definite!

tr rand

The Singer dude: The sad thangachi sentiment role that shot him to stardom- boring!

Ex CIA Villain Guy: I couldn’t find a part where our guy could even be remotely bad, but the closest I get is this.

Oh and by the way, if such a movie did come you could be sure I’d even buy black tickets to watch it!
 

 

The Tamil Disease

February 6, 2008 at 9:32 am | Posted in bong, life | 9 Comments
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I grew up on tamil movies. I really did, like for the longest time. I mean, tell me what you will, but any average tamil movie beats any other media (TV Shows, Radio, Books, Cartoons, Newspapers….) in entertainment value. Except maybe the Araittaiarangam that TR runs now…

But that’s not what we are here for. Tamil-dom stands for a number of achievements. In fact if Ramdoss and likes are to be taken at word value, the initial tamils came up with concepts of building, advanced astronomy, nuclear physics, quantum mechanics and sending guys up the moon. Tamilness has always been the synonym for scientific achievement. And I was just wondering at the minimal use of science in tamil cinema (except for miracles such as Vijayakanth flying, Sathyaraj being noble and Simbu acting) when I realized the role of media in spreading medical awareness.

Let me kick start this from the early 80s. That was when I was but a toddler and my only memories of TV are a hindi serial (some Mazoomdurr or something) where a guy rapes the same girl every week. But growing up without sufficient movies, I dug into a bit of the old and therefore have at least experienced the tides starting with the 80s and up until present.

Up until and even into the early 80s, the disease to get was Tuberculosis. TB. I mean, if you were a heroine and you could pump some glycerine, there you were. Spewing goo all over the place. But this wasn’t the kind of disease you really connected with. Imagine your hero. He is the invincible guy, an ideal Captain, Don, or at least the paettai good-deed-guy. Now you don’t picture him coughing up blood-shot crap all over the roads inbetween fighting the villains do you? It was probably all OK in the medival days when women chewing veththalai and spitting hot-red shit from their stained lips was sexy. But the coming of sophisticated actors like Malayoormamuttiyaan fame Thyagarajan (Prashanth’s dad) turned the tides, and pretty soon TB lost its stronghold.

The later 80s gave birth to one of the longest lived diseases in Tamil-dom. The ‘Heart Attack’! Now here was a novel non-disgusting disease that doubled up as the finality of lost love. Needless to say, the times saw the rise of non-fighting, non-macho, non-good-looking freckled stars. Mohan and Murali were quick to rise to the occasion. Up until the early 90s, heart attacks and weak hearts were the industry standards. The mother/ father always ended up with weak hearts. Occasionally the hero/ heroine would end up with a heart attack condition where their heart cannot handle even a small ‘adirchi’ (shock?). Therefore the non-heart-attacked would run around for most of the remaining movie singing solo songs about how they cannot confess the love they did not have up until the interval (when doctor removes his glasses).

Of course, tamil-dom eventually woke up to the ‘Gay’ demons. Actors could no longer be weak wuzzes. Murali tried a few semi action roles but it was more laughable, and since we had comedians like Vadivelu and Prashanth coming up the black man heart-attack game line just got extinct. Mohan tried a few shots here and there, with a few more movies of ‘Sing in the rain’, but with Rahman fast coming in, the freckles just did not cooperate.

The interim period that followed was a jumble of trial and error. Amnesia came in close to becoming the next big thing, but Bhagyaraj started making movies about it that people just forgot it existed (wow I got a pun!!).

With amnesia came the idea of taking stuff upto the brain. Neuro science hadn’t taken roots that far yet and so the doctors could crap just about anything and make it seem possible. This was the advent of weird brain diseases. Although a weed of this line still exists in today’s tamil-cinema-dom, the wave did peak at a point. Marked by ‘It is a medical miracle’, ‘Idhukku mela ellam andha aandavan vita vazhi’ and ‘24hrs aprom daan eduvum solla mudiyum’, there was a time when mental disorders became so clichéd that you knew there was a Maari-Amman song that would run parallel to that climax operation.

A little variation in this trend was the internal injuries. Probably the villain pushed the knife a few inches in, or the hero hit his head on a stone, or a lorry accident. There was always a need for blood, which the side hero would get on his motorcycle. Fight. Break the bottles. And Maari-Ammaa song.

The trend would have probably continued if only there was a variation in the doctors and their intonations. But it always had to be Naazar, the psycho-looking psychiatrist, Visu, the doctor who can’t shut up even in the OR, or Janakaraaj, the doctor who always does good to everybody but kills the universe with bad comedy. To make matters worse, Raghuvaran enters with a half doped, half villain sly and gives in his explanation of medical science… In that ‘I Know’ dialect of his!

To get a bit more specific, the period also saw the rise of Cancer. Now cancer is clean- no spewing, no throwing up, and no ghastly lesions. And up until the last breath you lead a normal happy life, albeit those flashes and headaches. Well, at least that’s the tamil Cancer. Just to prove a point, blood cancer was the disease of choice so the hero/ heroine could have a little streak of blood off their nose or voluntarily thrown up. The high point of blood cancer saw the turn of the millennium. Stars like Kamal who could never contract TB or heart attack could safely sport a dribble of blood down their nose.

As with all other diseases, the concept of Cancer had its period. However with the passage of time and falling levels of ignorance the doctors could no longer say ‘It’s a Medical Miracle’. Show me the cure dammit!

The cool wave then got to coma. People get in and out of it all the bloody time. Need some sympathy votes for the hero? Drop him into a coma for a couple of scenes and get him back when he probably has someone calling his name after a very long time. The directorial touch is the affected party (heroine) cries and the tears land onto the hero’s fingers. And they just shake a bit. Next thing you know, they are making out like crazy and the beep-beep machine in the emergency room goes off.

These days tamil-dom seems to be a little low on diseases. I can only remember one movie where anybody at all gets AIDS (obviously the villain). That makes sense too- after all, AIDS is a bad disease and only the Bad guys in tamil-land can get it. Blood-transfusions? Organ transplants? They just don’t exist in tamil-land.

I know I left out kidney failure too. These take a very minor role in tamil-dom that they aren’t worth too much of a mention. Except that kidneys are bad organs (only meant for peeing) and therefore kidney failure doesn’t happen too often in tamil-land either. Especially to fit and fine heroes who can only contract Cancer or Coma.

 

Disclaimer:

I know only TB is an actual disease in the list above, but tamil-dom science and medicine have risen to such levels that ANYTHING, even children, would now be disease. It is a medical miracle!

 

My Gran caused all these Rapes

January 7, 2008 at 6:58 am | Posted in life | 15 Comments
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A quick run around- the Mumbai molestation… The Kerala gilmaans… The Chennai silmishamms

Why are women being subject to so many more tortures than they had to endure even a few years earlier? I read a news cast that says that the women are to blame for wearing such revealing clothes and inviting trouble upon themselves. So much so, a rape victim is actually the instigator and therefore the cause of the incident.

Kudos there. That actually solves a major law and order problem. All cases now can be directly attributed to the flaw of the victim. That dude there snatched your chain because you were showing it out and therefore instigated him to it. The cheat manipulated you only because you were stupid enough. The assassin shot Benazir only because she poked her head out of the sunroof. Arrest the victims!

But lets take an honest ride and see where this stems from. A little over four decades back in the generation of my gran, and continuing up until less than ten years ago, the most massive extermination of women in known history took birth in our country. Genocide starting with kalli-paal-kelavis and peaking with scientific innovation of ultrasound and abortions, at least before the government woke up to it. The result? A major tip in the male-female ratio…

Now, that means there no longer exists one woman for every man. So much for divine love and soul mates. It also means that most of you male readers hawking this post right now would live up to a ripe old age in undisputed singularity. A few could become content Buddhas, delving into the greater pleasures of philosophy, science and alcohol. Some could turn the availability scenarios in sexual preference and look for similarities in partners. But most of the dejected masculine harboring jealously, pride and beer would wreak havoc to the few that do hold their prize damsels. And that, my readers, is exactly what has been filling our papers the past few months.

Without much ado, lets get into the subject of wider interest and personal expertise… Given that the few remaining women are getting more adept and competitive, and based on the logic that the greater mass still believes that the man should be higher up the social/economic/education ladder than the woman, that makes more men who fall through on the competition to go single.

Moreover given the fact that the little ray of hope for the lower rungs are still awed by the ‘mora-mama’ syndrome, that makes more relative-less men die relative -less!

As a final straw, based on the psyche that modern women would rather find themselves in association with an already wedded/ widowed/ divorced/ available man who matches their subjective criteria despite his abjectly not-so-single status pushes the free radical even lower.

If bad did not get to worse already, post modern women sentiments (read feminist) leads to a greater number of happy spinsters and like-like bonds in the woman fraternity, which creates a bigger hole on the deficit.

Pretty soon the demand -supply gap is going to catch on… With more single men, the future generation would either have to do with a drastic reduction in the number of women or have a system of polyandry.

Assuming that the demand side pressure wins the battle (a gal-guy many-to-one relationship), a case of polyandry would ensure multiple men wedded to a single woman. Emotions apart, this would rock the stability of the human species since the gene pool of ‘n’ men would require minimally ‘n’ gestation periods.

If the supply side wins the battle (a gal-guy one-on-one… not that you pervert), and women have their say, we could expect a gradual weeding out of the genes of men who do not fall on the minimal social ladder of women. Given the current encouragement for more women to rise up the steep, that is saying something. Two generations down we would then only find the upper middle class and the BPL peoples (since they still inbreed and so don’t get wiped out).

Either way we can hope to see women holding a powerful position on the future of the species and men shadowed to a point where they need to fight to pass on their genes…

And all this because a half century back my Gran chose to have a son!

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