How to Fall In Love- Part 2

November 6, 2008 at 2:01 pm | Posted in bong, How To | 9 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Lesson on Prospecting….

Last weekend was truly a reality check. An awesome trip through nature, enjoying the sight of fall leaves withering,cold and dehydrated…taking pictures of them, as they fall down to the ground dead and lifeless. A beautiful sight worth romance indeed.

That was also when one of my closest friends told me he was getting married in less than a year from now. Flabbergasted. My first hit-on-the-head that my age had crossed those goofy college years was when girlfriends told me they were getting married. With others. Blame arranged marriage, but girls my age are now either too busy nursing their babies or developing them, that they are no longer on the list of prospects. Legitimate babies, mind you.

But well, Boo (name changed to protect identity) is the first guy in the group thats taken this “last step forward”. That he is also the only guy in the group with anything even mildly close to female companionship is immaterial at this point of discussion. And Im pretty sure that all the other guys are going to run in too. One has already resigned to letting the elders do the sights, and I hear his jaadhagam (astronomical grid that has the address of the bride/groom-to-be) is already on the front cover of Mylapore Maami’s Guild. Another is sifting through Bangalore hoping to reap something worthwhile, and has accepted my advice to sport the devdas look. 

Last weekend I also had the benefit of deep discussions with famous philosopher Chirayu. Yes, that’s a name. This post is, in fact, the juice of this genius discussion. Genius, primarily because he agreed with most of what I said, but Im going to go with the fact that this ingenious philosopher is older (by 6 months) and wiser (has a Masters) and therefore speaks objective truth. 

The Art of Prospecting

If you are 24, indian, male and single (and not trying), chances are you are going to be that way for a pretty long time to come. Except for the 24 part, that is. And after a point, the trying part just doesn’t matter either.

Remember that boyfried-girlfriend couple in college? The one that wasted their time going to merry-go-rounds in MGM while you headed to the TASMAC? Remember thinking about how they were wasting their young days and individualism? About how you were laughing when they told you they were going to get married the day they got out of college, just in case they ever did? Sit in a corner and cry now, moron. And then join me for another TASMAC, if you will. 

When guys are in high school and start going out with their first girl friend, they have dreams of a beautiful marriage, a house with dogs (kids are still out) and a good life ahead, By the time they get to the middle of college with their fifteenth, the thought cycle doesn’t get much beyond transplanting saliva, and hope to transfer genetic material as well. By the thirtieth its just trial and error.

Women, on the other hand, start with a trial period before maturing into a dream-angel-that-did-not-go-out-with-markiv stage (termed ‘soul’ in classic Tamil literature)*. By the time they move to the final years of college, they have it all figured out.

 

Assuming a guy and a girl are in true, eternal, divine, deiveega love, lets run a root cause. The girl could have lost hope of repeat romance and just stuck on to the trial, or experience and societal pressures could have pushed her to commitment. Obviously the optimal case for the ‘Guy’ parameter is if this were his first (and only) relationship. Ever. 

Now, guys, don’t just close your browsers already. I know your love history most likely resembles Mount Road surface after the rains, but we really got something for you too.

Now back to the analysis. I don’t really think there exists a high enough chance of a newbie guy going out with an experienced other. Riffs would erupt, egos would mount, hell would break lose. And the girl would just sign the guy off as a kid. No. That must not be. Most often it is the firsts from both dimensions that seems to work.

That brings us to our predicament- yours and mine. The next is probably not going to be your first. For the remainder of this discussion, lets assume that you, at least briefly at this point, decide to make this your last. Face it- the years are running through. Guys around have started sealing their duality. Girls your age are out. Reality!

Prospecting begins with understanding the problem. Indian girls generally get married around 24, with a threshold between 22 and 26. Familial pressure starts at around 21 and most girls give in and leave the matter to the afore mentioned mylapore maamis guild by about 23. Further most of this set would be off the candidates list by their 24th birthday.  

Most good looking girls, 24 and over, still not married either have a very high pressure tolerance or are already committed. And there is a good chance that most 23-and-over lovers end up getting married. Not due to any higher maturity here, but simply because they have far lesser time to hate each other before the marriage-age (as opposed to the good 6-8 years from early college). Not much of a chance here.

And if a girl looks good and has been warding off the pressures at home, despite being single enough, there is a good chance she has been getting a lot of RFPs (request for proposal, you non IT nits!). And if she still remains single, chances of you going out with her are pretty low. Especially for someone who has to read blog posts on How to Fall in Love!

But the bright side is, women tend to know that guys would tend to know that if they (girls) were single at 24 the chances of a guy asking them out is pretty low (due to the afore mentioned). That makes them more desperate at a threshold age of realization. I would ball park this at around 22-23. 

There you go- find a beautiful, single, non-pressurized-but-likely-to-be, indian girl and time your RFP to the threshold age. Oh and did I mention smart? In case that leaks out (and that is a good thing) just make sure she understands the “Guess 2/3 of the Average Game”**.

Note: If you are 26 or older the game’s up for you old pal. Trust the Mylai Maamis. 

PS: If you are a girl and think you satisfy the good looking part please do send me an offliner. The Mylapore Maamis have it against me ever since I wrote this!

Claimers and Otherwise:

*- One may assume that some women, most women or all women jump over this stage, depending on the amount of feminist one assumes oneself to be. 

**- In case you are too tired to read through, this is a game in which each player’s move is his best strategy, based on his assumption of what the other players would pull. Like speculation in the stock markets. 

Advertisements

How to Fall in Love….

October 17, 2008 at 4:50 pm | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 6 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have decided to write. I have been wanting to for a while now. No, not just on this blog. The irregularity here, I have pretty much consoled myself to.  Perhaps even reconciled to the inability, googling and wiki-ing writer’s block and a thousand other phrases that could merely justify my lack of initiative.

I have even been talking about moving to my own domain. I don’t know why. From the looks of it, even the ownership of this space, with its sporadic posts, most of whose quality no longer impresses my sophisticated clientele of two, is a bit too off target. I either need newer ideas, which aren’t coming in, or newer clientele, that aren’t thronging either! Then again, I have the cash, and everybody with any internet knowledge and cash are buying their own domains. So Im just going to get mine and justify the venture to myself with the claim that it would at least suffice as an address when I get into doing what I eventually should be doing- making more money.

Anyway, this post is not even about any of that. This is a post that I have been wanting to write, perhaps even before the launch of my first blog ever (I have subsequently had three before this one, all killed due to illness, disease, old age and bad frequency).

No, its not the average run-off-the-mill How-To post. I can pretty much throw a guarantee that an honest following of the directions below would find you in truest of true love. If you don’t I’ll give you back every penny you paid for this advice right here.

Quite obviously, those in true love would never even think of commoditizing their apparent pot of gold, while those outside would ideally not be advice-worthy. Therefore the great responsibility comes down to me, the knowledgeable, wise and good. And since the knowledgeable, wise and good are currently working on Open-Source G-Phones, its my word against yours. And the comments are moderated.

For starters, let’s begin with a basic defenition I would be using in a greater part of this post, and any follow ups if my end button starts working again (got pulled out during a game a couple of weeks back and though I don’t really much ever used the key, the difference is kind of distracting). The concept of singularity and duality. 

Any sixth grader would know that these glorious words take roots in advanced particle physics. Science, maths, philosophy, Swamy and a bunch of other documented crap would go great depths to bring in the various absolute, relative, objective, subjective views of these concepts. And to give them theri fair credit, their contribution has been to the greater good of mankind- you and me. Actually, it hasn’t….

But well, the meaning should be pretty obvious. Singularity is a status of single-ness, a term used to define one’s inability to impress a girl, and further cover it up with excuses of quality, attitude and preference. Duality refers to the status of non-singularity, marked by the existence of a single person in two states- the boyfriend and the girlfriend.

The uncertainity theory clearly states that it is impossible to claim, with 100% confidence both the state and level of desperation of a person. That is, the surer we are about our percieved singularity or duality, the less certain we will be about our level of desperation. Therefore, the truly single or dual person tend to live in ignorance of their own despo status until external realization dawns in, muddling the clarity in their status.Further, extreme duality may be associated with a nagging sense of foreboding, and a total loss of individualism. The terms could further be extrapolated to single-dom, though a specific dual-dom does not exist.

The concept of existing in more than two states, wherein a single boyfriend can peacefully co-exist with more than one woman is laughably negligible since peacefully and co-exist are impossible assumptions in the subject matter of two girls. In similar light, since multiple boyfriends tied to a single girl break the very purpose of a girlfirend- to break any form of intra male communication channels, this again is not a case worth consideration.

Now that we got that cleared, this post is a guide to move from singularity to duality. I do not endorse the move, however. Nor do I oppose it. In fact I understand the pains of either side pretty simply put.

Let us analyze the case of singularity here. I go as much to put forth the hypothesis that singularity is often not a field of choice. If you are living a solo, pathetic life with no one to call to on those boring evenings, sitting around commenting on the hours your not-so-single friends spend on the phone, and getting unwarranted “How To”s from every tom, DICK and hairy, especially female dicks and hairy’s, I don’t really believe you are enjoying those glorious moments. I know you yearn to have a beautiful tamil-movie-love that brings joy to your existence. I know it sounds like a sad life. That’s probably because it is. And its not even worth a debate- I say so!

On the other side, if your life consists of hours listening intently to meaningless gibberish on the phone while your “free” friends are having a riot commenting around, bound by having to make those incessant phone calls every few hours and pretty much have a tied down life with neither time, nor patience, nor energy, nor the independence to do what you would logically assume to be greater pleasures of being a man, that couldn’t really be much fun either. Since logical people would not take this upon themselves, one would be motivated to claim that duality, therefore, is not a field of choice either. However, since we are talking about the romantics here, the assumption of logic in the previous line does break down.

The point being- love is a field of choice. It probably does happen miraculously when you bump into the perfect one across the library or when you thrash the bunch of assholes who were throwing sexist comments in her vicinity. There again, the assumption of “perfect one” is quite questionable. Moreover, I wouldn’t presume the average reader around here (direct and those who google for stuff like this”) to have ever walked around a library, let alone beat up meanies. In fact I could quite safely assume you’d be amongst the guys making those sexist comments.

No. I hate to break your heart. But “Love through Accident” is not for you. Don’t get disillusioned by taking the accident part too literal. You’d rather have an auto guy put you in that hospital and that humungous middle aged mallu nurse aunty at Best Hospitals sew those cuts than a hot babe that looks down and goes “achachooo”.

No my friend. The only way to break the single barrier is through strategizing. Through careful planning. Contigencies. Deep thought. More strategizing. Generous donations to my paypal.

The first step in your elaborate plan-de-plan (anything to do with plans, secrecy or love have to be French. Anything with a “de” in the middle becomes French!) is to define the viewpoint. I have observed successful relationships over the years, success defined merely by the ability to coexist in the same room with less than three attempts to murder in one hour. In general, the plan-de-plan takes one of two decisive game plans. The cockroach plan and the mosquito plan. While both have their obvious advantages, the use of either technique is completely an individual choice.

The planning phase, which pretty much consists of identifying the path to be taken and the initial prospecting, is fairly common. At the end of this phase however, the experienced player should be able to determine the mode of operation to get started with the conquest of love since each mode takes drastically different approaches to this issue.

The Cockroach Plan: A sumptuous dinner waiting on the table. Another cup for the coffee. And who must you find waiting on the sink’s edge?

The best, and possibly the most satisfying solution cockroaches is to strike them multiple times, between their second leg and the mean distance between the third and end-of-body point. Of course the trusty broom would do just as good- breaking their body into unidentifiable pieces and throwing them around for other roaches to eat, therefore pushing them towards a degeneration of their moral fibre, decadence and an eventual destruction of the roach civilization.

The cockroach plan takes a pretty similar view point. Strike with minimal resources, but strike fast and efficient before the victim (love-ee) has a chance to realize.

The Mosquito Plan: Ever so gently as you drift into the glorious semi-dream pre-sleep state, sinking back into the soft comforts of your bed, the covers thrown lazily over your torso, imagine that irritating whistle as the most elusive of beasts flies by.

Waking up and trying to kill that mosquito would not generally have the same effect. You could shoo-shoo them all night and still they would have gotten enough of your blood to donate to Hindu Mission Hospital. And the whistle would continue. The mosquito-way involves technology. Procurement. Your sleep is pretty much ruled out tonight, but tomorrow could be secured with the mats and coils and creams and sprays. The pleasures of watching those flying dingbats get drowsy and fall off as you drift into peaceful sleep, inhaling more monoxides than you would care is in itself worth last night’s bite.

An important note here is that the mosquito plan requires a more detailed plan than merely point-and-shoot. It requires the investment of time and capital. A slow diffusion of thought. However, the mosquito plan is generally more workable than the cockroach plan. Especially because there is a lesser chance of you coming out looking stupid if the plan bombs.

Now, now, don’t jump in yet. This is merely the tip of the iceberg of an elaborate thesis. Yes, my friend. You can fall in love too. Or at least hope to. May be not, but then, that’s just you.

 

P.S.: I hope to put up a follow through post. Sometime.

P.P.S.: I am also getting married to the girl I have been in love with for over nine years now. 

P.P.P.S.: No, Im not really, but that’ll teach you not to waste time around post scripts.

How to Ask Her Out

February 18, 2008 at 6:54 am | Posted in How To, work | 9 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

…And not come out looking stupid!

 

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s really wanted…

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s the one…

She needs somebody to tell her that its gonna last forever…

Tell me if you ever really, really really ever loved a woman…

Actually don’t tell me. But then again…

I was watching this show on Channel V the other day called ‘Webcam Goddess’. Well, it really sounded like some porn flick so I didn’t risk surfing off.
Anyway, it turns out to be a show where you send in queries regarding your love life and the hostess gives you ingenious solutions to it. I puked only thrice!

My favorite was this guy from someplace up north.

‘Dear Goddess,

I am really close to this girl and of late have started really liking her. I know she likes me too, from the way she sees me with the corner of her eye and the way she touches her hair. But I’m really scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Northie-not-killed-in-mumbai’

For which the apparent love doc hostess says he should send her ‘beautiful’ bouquets for like a week, and then write down an anonymous letter telling her how much he loves her. And she would definitely reply if she had those feelings too. Definitely. If she does send in a reply to an anonymous letter, she sure is dumb enough to love!

Not that I’m the God of these matters or so, but I seem to know as much to understand that not only is the trick not going to work, but the girl is going to think he’s gay, which means all her friends, associates and acquaintances are struck off the list as well!

So I just thought I should do my little to the ignorant world of never-been-non-singular men, and i-think-i-found-love women by throwing in a bit of experiential advice.

First thing, if you are in the same boat as the northie guy, make sure the girl isn’t looking through the corner of her eye because of some opthal issues. Love and squint eyes can have fairly misleading symptoms. Second, there’s this strange corner-eye ‘wtf’ reaction that could be interpreted in a million ways, so just run a quick self check: odor, zipper, flipper, rips, color combos and the likes…

Next, if she’s brushing her hair a lot, she’s probably got an itch. Which is probably contagious. So if you don’t imagine a lovely honey moon where you pick the lies of each other’s scalps, move to the next.

Now if it finally comes down to asking her out, don’t expose her to flowers, money or the likes. If it doesn’t work out, it’s a useless investment. If it does, she’s going to expect more everytime!

And now, finally, the advice! Coming out without IDIOT written all over the face can be quite risky. And the tricks are never fail-proof. So you need good basic-psychology knowledge. Women are at a totally different plane when it comes to sense of humor. Ideally, if you can’t find the niche, move over to more serious stuff. It doesn’t have to be good or even true. Just say it.

One of the biggest, surest and probably the oldest tricks in the book is the ‘bad-guy’ game. Drill into her the knowledge that you are an evil, twisted bad, bad, bad guy. I tried the villain laugh as well, but it didn’t work for me. Maybe it would, for you. Now when she’s convinced you are the Satan himself, be yourself and do the stuff you normally would. Now despite being the cheap, conceited, uninterested guy that you are, you put yourself on the highest pedestal of nice on the relative scale. Thank you, Mr. Einstein.

When people were not really interested in buying a luxury car made by a cheap manufacturer, Lexus came out with the test drive initiative. And that has proven to be one of the best marketing pitches ever. Joke about being in a relationship. Put it into her head. Make her think of the life ahead. Demo boy-friend ver1.0… Or even better- try for a beta release (alpha-beta ‘beta’ you use in software, not the hindi one!)

Given your stature of having to read through a blog for love advice, I wouldn’t believe these techniques would work for you. But in case there be some misinterpretation and you do eventually lose your singularity, may all hell break lose. Live a lie!

Claimer:
The stunts mentioned above have been tried by experts. Don’t try this at home. Markiv and his Kootaalingal do not take any responsibility from loss to life, property or marital status arising from the above.

If you are a girl reading through this, I have neither knowledge nor experience in these games and they have been written by a totally different person purely for entertainment purposes.


Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.