Life, Logic, Fairness and being Screwed!

July 10, 2009 at 9:01 pm | Posted in bong, How To, King markiV returns, life | 8 Comments
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Before we even get started with the eulogies, let me make it clear- this is not a random rant about life and how or why my girl friend broke up with me. Nor is it about my laptop raising its body temperature to egg-boiling levels before promptly shutting off every five minutes, before I can get the eggs out of the refrigerator. Better yet, this is not the teary outburst of approximately half a year of coma. No. Though that should come about later… This, like all my other philosophical posts, is about philosophy. Let me go a step forward on that- this is the anti-philosophy of all philosophy. In the next few lines lies the absolute objective universal truth of all existence. Of God, the supernatural, luck, and everything else that we wake up praying to and go to bed cursing. Here lies Life!

But first, if you haven’t noticed, my blogging frequency at least to the untrained eye has moderately  reduced. Im not sorry… Of course that in no way implies that I did not have anything awesome to talk about- just that I forgot what.

Those that know me, occasionally, tend to think I am too much of an egoist. I do not openly disagree. Interestingly though, the past few years have given me significant chances to rework in that area. Not that I no longer hold my shield of ego within… But I have gained the ability to look at my ego as an independent entity that can make its decisions and often times take care of itself, maximizing its economic needs within the constructs of bounded rationality. Over the half a decade since I left high school my ego has been thwarted, squashed, thrown around, belittled, mocked, trodden upon, chewed, torn, slammed against the wall, politely been refused entry into discos and then some more… Of course there have been times when it has been hailed by the crowds, lifted high up in the air, admired and awarded. In most cases I try to be the true companion, motivating and cajoling over a drink when it is hurt and celebrating with a drink when it wins.

The point of argument and/ or debate is not whether such an ego is deserving. Comments in that angle that does not make the former happy will be truly moderated and such commenter, spammed.

It is just that you cannot much point fingers at that. Philosophy tells me Life has been here far longer than me and therefore is the bigger of the two. I do agree in all my humility. Where I come from the older are taught to be nicer to the younger- to give in to their whims and fancies. In which case Life here has just played the part of an adamant old oaf… An egomaniac. And such is the examples our elders are leaving behind!

They tell me life is a teacher and I must learn from the lessons taught. Well, the teachers in school probably did not have as much to say as the old guy, but at least they told us the chapters we would be tested in…  Moreover life isn’t exactly Wikipedia that I run to for a reference.

And then they tell me life is a bitch. I try not to even get imagining life as a women, probably a few hundred centuries old, wrinkled skin, evil laugh, black lipstick and tight red skirts. Yeeckk! Some bitch!

I’ve heard people say Life is a game. A game with infinite players, playing by their own rules and with no definite win, end or score. A game that does not have a season or even come with beer. I digress!

The worst I hear is when someone tells me “That’s Life”. It’s one of the few things that make me want to go up and punch them right on their nose. “No, THAT’s life”! It doesn’t even make sense- if what just happened WAS that famous Life, then people that have been looking for it all these years would have had no chance of knowing it because it just happened. Worse still, the rest of the planet and all those yet to be born are now tumbling down a definitely meaningless existence hence forth. Life has already happened. Moreover, if the person did truly believe he just found the Life that humans have been looking for (and my ex-girl friend asked me to get), shouldn’t the observer be far more excited at the discovery? And finally, even if that were indeed Life, by merely noticing it the other guy assumes himself smarter than Socrates, Pliny, Aristotle, Einstein and Steve Jobs. Which is just about arrogant because that’s me!

The point is, through the years I have heard a million odd proverbs and analogies to Life that just does not seem to conform neatly into what has become. For now, let us assume that there is a purpose to our existence. To be fair then, we must assume such a purpose exists for all of us. If we were to then build on chaos theory, then the actions of even a single person out of this purpose would break the entire equilibrium away, implying that randomness cannot be factored into existence at all. We are therefore led to believe in fate and destiny. Obviously then the concept of free will becomes irrelevant. Therefore the entire charade called life that most of us go through is part of an elaborate play written, directed and screened by God.

If that were true, then why would the nice God that created me put me through anything but a life of chocolate ice creams, booze and women dying to steal at least a glance from me? Why would he create a world where I would have to live in almost-no-internet conditions, do my own laundry, cook my own food and drink instant coffee?

As a preliminary answer, let us begin by assuming monotheism- a concept almost all major religions seem to concur about. If this God that staged these plays were the only God, he would then have to be the only audience as well. And so, just to make it a bit more interesting, twists and turns and counter plots and irreverential loops must be put in. And factor in a lot of stupidity. And more loops. A fair, balanced life just doesn’t make an interesting episode!

Either that or there really isn’t a God and these are just randomly permuted events, and humans have evolved as logical creatures out of pure chance, thereby breaking the anti-logic that created them in the first place. No fair!

And so I bring to you, after a six month sabbatical’s worth of thought- Nothing.

S.E.X. Evolution, Chance and Boredom

July 1, 2008 at 10:57 am | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 3 Comments
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Ah, finally! It feels good to be back..

It is no big mystery that one of the greatest pursuits of all life forms is to create more progeny. Not just progeny, but more progeny. Fruits, nuts, diets, Marthubootham et al to the rescue. Assuming that the average blog reader has at least sufficient providence for food, shelter and clothing (which in the IT sense means a monthly pass at the Andhra mess, an underground hole in Bangalore and a ragged pair of Tees and jeans bought during the iron ages and washed just about then), that fatal three letter word does crop up one way or the other.

Id love to make this a “How To”, with strategies, tips and tricks that could help you create more of your kind with minimal effort right here, but for now Id just stop short and recommend you wait till human cloning gets a pass in congress.

However I’m sure most must have at least in passing envied the not-so-evolved kinds that abound the planet. Considering the effort involved in finding and impressing a mate, falling in love, meeting the parents, getting raised eyebrows from “Uncle”, tying the knot, getting more raised eyebrows from the “Uncle”, disclosing savings that scratch the bottom of the vault and more embarrassing Uncle-talks, not to mention the initial effort in buying coffee, wearing washed/ pressed clothes, buying food, buying a car, buying a house, and often times finding a day job, the life of a dog does look impressive. One month a year with all the babes you can get on that street before you run in to the next. [For further info on Dogs and Territorial markings read here]

But give it a deeper thought. Think of your daily schedule as a mutt. Wake up early, howl and take a leak. Wait till the morning garbage is deposited and fish around the box for a light morning breakfast. No brushing, no shower, no shave. Just plunge right in. Wait for the hopeless IT folks to punch their time in and get out for their morning tea and smokes. Throw the hungry dog expression and get some butter biscuits- coconut ones if you are lucky. After all these guys do make pretty good money! Continue with a good sleep on a drying puddle, chase the tail, bark at random moving things, have a voice hunt with the other local dogs, more biscuits, bark, chase, garbage, sleep, and finish it off with another howling contest. Really not much to do. And you thought typing code, reading blogs and refreshing your orkut every few minutes for new scraps was boring. Obviously the number of dogs on the streets is a strictly increasing function over time.

Pigs are even worse. Wise scientists have discovered that pigs have thirty minute orgasms. That’s a half goddamn hour- the average duration of a megaserial. And I don’t think they allow commercial breaks while at it. Envy? Try to fit it in your life. No multitasking while watching FRIENDS (the sitcom you pervert!).

Not that it gets any better as you travel down the evolutionary chain. If you were amongst most aves, a friendly kiss could end you up with Bird Jr. In fact a perfect nuptial setting for a peacock would be to throw a solo dance pathetic enough to drop a few tears and let the hen chew up the eye drops later on. Sexy eyes as literal as can be!

Oh but it gets even worse. If you were a frog all you’d have to do is shoot your gametes in open water and get your kids from the unlucky passing missus. You don’t even have to worry if its yours- after all they all look just the same, and tadpoles don’t even look like frogs. If darts are your skill, this is one life form I’d suggest. No dates, no moonlight dinners, no rental tuxedos and stretch limos. Just point-and-shoot!

And lets not even get started with the trees. Beating eye lashes and betting my hard made genetic material on an insect that gets squashed on truck windshields isn’t my kind of romance. But that’s just me!

Of course right at the end of the line the amoeba and likes do pike my interest. But then again, the prospect of making a mirror of myself every time I eat a heavy enough lunch doesn’t sound like too much fun either. And moreover, doesn’t that get us back to the cloning issues?

The Weakest Amoeba

February 10, 2008 at 6:46 pm | Posted in bong, How To | 8 Comments
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Let me cut directly to the point here. I wrote this in a heightened state of awareness so most of whats here doesn’t make sense even to my otherwise sober self. Apparently the higher level of certain chemicals in my blood throws my purpose to propose break through scientific theories into high gear. Even if they are not really break through. And even if they have already been proposed.

OK. Before I even start, there are at least of a couple of assumptions that you would have to consider.

Primarily I consider Natural selection and Random Mutation to be correct. There are of course others like Intelligent Creation, which has not yet been fully accepted by the scientific community or Genesis, which has not been accepted by anyone except the pope.

I also assume the philosophy that change is not a choice of comfort but rather a forced adaption. Therefore you would really not be motivated to launder that pair of jeans until that ketchup stain has started decomposing and sending off methane and stuff.

Right from the start, when sperm cells were actual living organisms (the amoeba- paramecium era), there must have been a few guys who weren’t as adept as the others in making a good living. By random mutations, these guys would have been the weaker guys in the group unable to live happy amongst the stronger amoebae. Obviously the first few days would have seen a lot of weaker deader amoebas lying on the floor. But eventually these guys would have formed a kind of socialism between their kind to ensure a fairer competition. The first multi-cellular organisms, my friends, and the beginning of communism!

As we go on, these team-worked multi-cellular communist guys would have gained a greater power than the fascist singles at some point, and become the de facto mechanism. The progression of some of these guys into the first plants makes sense as well. Of course there could have been some that could neither get its food the sun-light way, not use the previous techniques. I assume this would have led to a primitive cannibalism where the stronger group of a few multi-cellular guys could have had to eat their step cousins for a living. I bring to you, Animals… and Basic Capitalism 1.0!

Further on, lets take the jump to the great grandfather of you and the chimpanzee. Some of these guys would have been great jumpers and loved to be that way. But the other not-so-good jumper guys would be driven to live in smaller groups on the ground simply because they have to, what with all those lions, tigers, Raj Thakreys and other predators running around. Groups would need administration. Even amongst these groups, there would be those incapable of physical strains and toils. For their survival they would need to subjugate and utilize the physical labor of their neighbors. Slavery and humanoids have always been famous in Africa. With eventual run-aways and revolts of the now ‘weaker’ slaves, a few would have ventured out of their natural habitat by force. And this probably predates Moses, but who are we to question the texts of Gods. In unknown territory, these guys would have invented primitive tools such as crude rocks to frighten and kill…. Usually other animals… Except Fridays in ancient China…

Purely because of the incapacity of the inventors to take the ‘normal’ path, this could have progressed into other cheaper primitive technology, such as shaped stones, bronze and iron, the wheel, Woodworks’ Grate Water and Mahindra Renault Logan. Not necessarily in that order.

Even in later history, it was the inability of the Spanish to live in their own land’s resources that sent them to conquer the world. Inability, my friends. That’s what causes evolution. It is not the strongest amoeba that went on to evolve and work with Intel duo core processors today, but rather the not-so-able Ramdoss. Simply because of his advantage of being a not-so-good amoeba. [Edit: Here we quote Ramdoss as the icon of tamil-ness, and further his technical prowess as well]

I present to you, and perhaps forward it to the Nature and Evolution Journals. It is not the strongest individual that goes up the evolution ladder, but rather the weaker group. In short, I theorize that evolution is a result of the desire for groups of weaker guys to survive and therefore serendipitously invent an easier way of living.

In the aspect of history and economics, I bring to light that but for Karl Marx, Communism and probably CPI(M) we would all have had to resort to binary fission during first-night scenes.

I also wish to reinstate that you are now reading this blog simply because you once sucked as an amoeba, a fungus, a proto-plant, an ant, a goat, a tiger, a chimpanzee and a South African, in that order.

PS: I am super drunk now and I’m writing this to see how hilarious I sound when I drink alone.

PPS: This theory probably exists and therefore my Nobel prize snatched away, but you know I did not know that the theory, which if it exists, I do not as of this moment know of.

PPPS: Stop reading my disclaimers and read the stuff above.

PPPPS: OK. That wasn’t all that random. Infact it even makes sense! I must start watching more KTV!

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