WhatSnot and What’s Not…

February 25, 2008 at 6:16 am | Posted in bong, life | 11 Comments
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As you might have realized, the topic of discussion here now is probably one of the most misunderstood and insulted… umm… parts of the human body.

I wonder why Snot became such a disgusting subject. It displays quite unpredictable characteristics. It is sometimes rock solid, sometimes flowy liquid, and most often sticky semi-solid. Yet it has called for theoretical analysis in neither physics nor chemistry. It is the most easily replaceable thing, and still does not see such active exchange. Why, the Eskimos must be wondering why their tropical cousins prefer hands in greetings!

Its not like snot doesn’t bring its share of benefits either. Riding through the fish market? Mucus to the rescue. Just permit a sufficient layering and lo and behold! Good air without the smell of rotting fish filling your lungs. In fact, I doubt why gas masks use charcoal instead. I must write to the defense research wing…

Everybody is OK with mucus. Mucus is OK when it is buried deep inside the lungs. It is even ok when it is chemically prepared and poured on the face as face packs. It is ok if it is aloe vera and collagen. And it is seen as a delicacy when it comes out of ladies fingers. But it becomes all ungraceful and disgusting coming out of a fellow human being. Double standards!

Call it different names. Call it mucus as it slides through deeper than your fingers can ever pick. Call it phlegm as it gets packed around viruses and couriered though the mouth. Call it snot as you roll it into a ball and fling it into the universe. Mooku-sheli, Snot, Phlegm, Mucus, CPI(M). Just different names to the same thing!

I, like most fellow skeptics, believed snot was just a disgusting annoyance with no good to mankind. Especially against the savage parameters set by the womankind… I, my friends, due to reasons I am ashamed of to this very moment, did not have the opportunity to contract the half-yearly weather changing ritual of the flu. That is, until recently. With sufficient changes in temperature and a few additional nice habits that I picked up along the way, I have now become the week-long holiday resort for anything that spells Common Cold. And never enjoyed any ill better!

The biggest problem most people quote is a runny nose. Raised in a family of weather-change-indicators and close friends who generously acted as every virus’s PTC, I soon gained the sage knowledge that would change my life, and perhaps millions more, for centuries to come. A few patient minutes of pushing your nose up the AC vent and you could set the mix to a favorable state. I further learnt to resist all temptation to remove the mass and leave room for more freshly manufactured fluidity. Meetings with colleagues who think Rexona is a shoe company? No problem, if you got Super-mix smell filters!

Another issue people superficially claim is The Sneeze. I know all you guys out there cringe your nose as you read this. But you might just accept it. Everybody loves a sneeze… As long as it’s them throwing the spew out! That feeling as you concentrate all your thoughts onto your nose. That high you hit as you get that out in a rage that even surprises you? Orgasmic!

Headaches are a different story. There really is no nice way to explain this, but with all those good things it brings in, it should have some evil as well, right? After all, it’s a disease! But one little work around I came up with is a pretty game that makes you enjoy what you can. Just give your head a little shake. Just enough to agitate that bubble you feel floating on your head. A tilt to the right, and now to the left… Keep dipping deeper and deeper, and faster and faster, until you can hit your shoulders with either ear and feel neither. Now maintain this pace until you feel that bubble expand onto your entire head, and then evolve to conquer the upper body. You’d be off to sleep before you even hit the bed. You don’t need alcohol tonight. Rubbing alcohol, perhaps, with all that tilting, but definitely not alcohol!

And cough is the most humane way to end this joy trip. Didn’t someone once say true joy is in sharing joy?!

Before I close let me roll out a list of advantages that this magical creation can be used as…

  1. Smell- Filter
  2. Nasal-hair gel
  3. Emergency glue
  4. Interesting plaything
  5. Effective skin moisturizer
  6. Salty food substitute
  7. Nose-based whistle enabler
  8. Dumb girl turn-off-er
  9. Clay/ Silly Putty
  10. Excuse to bunk!

PS: Writing under influence is a lot better than writing as you wrestle body fluids (read snot) away from the keyboard!

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