S.E.X. Evolution, Chance and Boredom

July 1, 2008 at 10:57 am | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 3 Comments
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Ah, finally! It feels good to be back..

It is no big mystery that one of the greatest pursuits of all life forms is to create more progeny. Not just progeny, but more progeny. Fruits, nuts, diets, Marthubootham et al to the rescue. Assuming that the average blog reader has at least sufficient providence for food, shelter and clothing (which in the IT sense means a monthly pass at the Andhra mess, an underground hole in Bangalore and a ragged pair of Tees and jeans bought during the iron ages and washed just about then), that fatal three letter word does crop up one way or the other.

Id love to make this a “How To”, with strategies, tips and tricks that could help you create more of your kind with minimal effort right here, but for now Id just stop short and recommend you wait till human cloning gets a pass in congress.

However I’m sure most must have at least in passing envied the not-so-evolved kinds that abound the planet. Considering the effort involved in finding and impressing a mate, falling in love, meeting the parents, getting raised eyebrows from “Uncle”, tying the knot, getting more raised eyebrows from the “Uncle”, disclosing savings that scratch the bottom of the vault and more embarrassing Uncle-talks, not to mention the initial effort in buying coffee, wearing washed/ pressed clothes, buying food, buying a car, buying a house, and often times finding a day job, the life of a dog does look impressive. One month a year with all the babes you can get on that street before you run in to the next. [For further info on Dogs and Territorial markings read here]

But give it a deeper thought. Think of your daily schedule as a mutt. Wake up early, howl and take a leak. Wait till the morning garbage is deposited and fish around the box for a light morning breakfast. No brushing, no shower, no shave. Just plunge right in. Wait for the hopeless IT folks to punch their time in and get out for their morning tea and smokes. Throw the hungry dog expression and get some butter biscuits- coconut ones if you are lucky. After all these guys do make pretty good money! Continue with a good sleep on a drying puddle, chase the tail, bark at random moving things, have a voice hunt with the other local dogs, more biscuits, bark, chase, garbage, sleep, and finish it off with another howling contest. Really not much to do. And you thought typing code, reading blogs and refreshing your orkut every few minutes for new scraps was boring. Obviously the number of dogs on the streets is a strictly increasing function over time.

Pigs are even worse. Wise scientists have discovered that pigs have thirty minute orgasms. That’s a half goddamn hour- the average duration of a megaserial. And I don’t think they allow commercial breaks while at it. Envy? Try to fit it in your life. No multitasking while watching FRIENDS (the sitcom you pervert!).

Not that it gets any better as you travel down the evolutionary chain. If you were amongst most aves, a friendly kiss could end you up with Bird Jr. In fact a perfect nuptial setting for a peacock would be to throw a solo dance pathetic enough to drop a few tears and let the hen chew up the eye drops later on. Sexy eyes as literal as can be!

Oh but it gets even worse. If you were a frog all you’d have to do is shoot your gametes in open water and get your kids from the unlucky passing missus. You don’t even have to worry if its yours- after all they all look just the same, and tadpoles don’t even look like frogs. If darts are your skill, this is one life form I’d suggest. No dates, no moonlight dinners, no rental tuxedos and stretch limos. Just point-and-shoot!

And lets not even get started with the trees. Beating eye lashes and betting my hard made genetic material on an insect that gets squashed on truck windshields isn’t my kind of romance. But that’s just me!

Of course right at the end of the line the amoeba and likes do pike my interest. But then again, the prospect of making a mirror of myself every time I eat a heavy enough lunch doesn’t sound like too much fun either. And moreover, doesn’t that get us back to the cloning issues?

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Nice Guy at 50

January 30, 2008 at 11:23 am | Posted in King markiV returns | 8 Comments
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I get this a lot. Random people calling me mean, those around constantly advicing me to be nice et al.

Not fair, I say. Im a very nice guy if you will… And what better opportunity to remind the world of my niceties, than the Silver Jubilee of my blog!

Speaking of which, I bring you the glorious 50th post in this little archipelago of creativity, genius, emotions and a few other words from Karunanidhi’s speech last month.

And before you ask, here are the top ten reasons why I am a really really nice guy, and why you should get to know me better if you are a girl and just click on the ad banners and be away if you are a guy-

#10 The Group Thing: Whenever I make life hell for someone in the group I make sure that everyone else there enjoys it. Goes on to show my everlasting care for greater happiness.

#9 Tip of the Iceberg: Despite the fact that the tip amount you enter on the debit card recipt cannot be debited without a swipe, I always leave a handsome tip, just to make the waiter happy.

#8 Anger Management: I never kill, hurt, insult or in any other way harm any living being. Especially humans. Ever. Unless provoked.

#7 Man of the Masses: If I have to be depressed and take a suicidal drive down the road, I try to sqeeze in as many people as I can into the car and share the adrenalin rush. Most often I tend to bring back the love of life in them.

#6 Monosyllabic Caller: If there is something uninteresting in the other side of the conversation I pull it out to the top and bring it to their notice before they proceed to make a greater fool of themselves.

#5 Psychiatrist Adviser: With the occasional few people who do come to me for advice, I make sure that they don’t go back disappointed and give an understanding nod and the best course of action then on. Even if I don’t understand a shit of what they are talking.

 

#4 Alcoholics Anonymous: Talking to people when I’m drunk and they are not gives me the satisfaction of them assuming that all I say is the truth and nothing but the truth and thus ultimately feeling happy about it. If you are hearing what you want to hear or even what you like, Im just not drunk enough.

#3 Rubbing Salt: Everytime I meet someone who has done something to ever feel guit or shame that I know of, I carefully remind them about it and give them a pleasant cruise of nostalgia.

#2 The Path Finder: I take it a sense of responsibility in giving clear directions to the directionless many that stop by me on the roads. In fact I take this so far as to give them a clear description even when I don’t have a clue.

#1 Call back: Not a lot of people would really be this nice, but I always make it a point to give the girl a call after some intimacy. Or at least a message. Most often after. Usually. Sometimes…

 

That must do it. At least 10 awesome reasons to prove I’m probably one of the few nice guys left on this planet.

Oh, and now for a vote of thanks.

At this time of the glorious 50, I take a moment to thank all those who have made this possible. I thank the jobless IT guys who despite recessions and downsizing continue to rummage around blogs and drop inconsequential comments.

I would also like to thank my critics for… umm… Actually no. I wouldn’t like to thank you. The comments continue to get moderated, I read all your comments and I don’t care if you have cracks on your butt and therefore find my posts offensive.

I would further like to thank all those who like smokes and chai. Not much direct correlation, but thank them nevertheless.

Last but not the least, I would like to thank the millions of fellow humans who I do not know and therefore don’t have to care about not thanking.

Thank you all. As a “50” treat you could click on any of the many ad banners around my site. Please. I’m very poor and the recession got to me!

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