No Longer Invisible!

September 15, 2008 at 5:46 pm | Posted in bong, King markiV returns | 16 Comments
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I got a phone
After a month of cloak
Can’t hold no longer
Thought I’d croak

So what’s the deal
So great, to speak?
What’s in a phone,
Such pride, to seek?

The model ain’t great
Plain Vanilla, the kind
But then you ask
A story, don’t mind

A good half decade
Before “G”s came thrice
Or so I should tell
My communicating device!

It started with hutch
or RPG
It was far in too yester
Its hard, you see

However then,
A postpaid run
The puppy, they claimed,
Loads of fun

WAP and SMS
and tonns o’ tone;
Downloads and stuff
sold on the phone

A wax, a wane
a month of joy,
The puppy and I
How the time did fly

The honeymoon went on
No cons, just pros
A bomb in mail
To pay through my nose

No! I said
I need a check
I’ll pay in the begining
and save my neck

Life went on,
The puppy, naught
But now he was fed
Right in the start

All was cool,
until the groups;
It was, afterall
free for coups!

“Time for change”
I said to me
“unlimited calls,
and its even free!

“I wouldn’t want to miss
Couldn’t sit back;
The puppy is nothing
against the maestro’s track”

Talk all day
Stay in the groove
Talk all night
But talk? to who?

Conference calls
All night yap
With them people
I was almost trapped

The puppy came,
A second rescue
I ran before
My brain got skewed

Changes did come
In time and place
The puppy i held,
In every face

Now so different,
I have no doubt
In the land of dreams
But the dog’s out

Free phone, they say
Free airtime, mate
Forget the puppy
Forget your fate

I got my number
A month’s gone
But (at least) I’m contactable
From night to dawn

Oh! Did i tell you?
In, Outs don’t matter
Its the time that counts
‘When’ you choose to chatter

The nights, they claim
are all just free
But anytime else,
“Oh, Poor me!”

So give me a jingle
Drop by, a voice
And if i don’t pick up
Its the time- bad choice

The globe looks nice
a-t-and-t
But nothing like being followed
By a little puppy!

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Of Charters and Accountants…

July 11, 2008 at 1:16 pm | Posted in bong, work | 6 Comments
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CA’s are funny. Atleast the types Ive come across. They hold a thought of superiority over every other domain or education, consider their work as primary in the enlightenment of society, refuse to understand logic, reason or mathematics and generally hate engineers, managers, analysts, company top brass, union workers, manufacturers, IT guys, tea boys and anyone else to whom a computer does not immediately rise the word TALLY. Which, incidentally they don’t use either.

Moreover all prospective CA’s that I have ever spoken to swear by the book that they are not accountants. That I do not get. A chartered bus is the same thing as a normal bus, albeit without a set route. Why should chartered accountants be any different?

But that is only the tip of the iceberg. Probably the few decades the average CA ends up travelling, taking up coaching classes, giving in examinations, internships, and a constant stare at arbitrarily cooked up numbers makes them morose at other fields that actually DO SOMETHING. Not that CA;s don’t do anything-just nothing productive. Lets take the guy turning the bolts for a living- in a perfect world he would continue to turn bolts, perhaps only better. So would the tea shop guy make better tea, and a programmer throw lesser bugs. But what about this CA? The numbers are right, the taxes paid off properly, on-pay finance guys take care of distribution of capital gain to cause least damage. And since the system gets perfect there is no longer a need to pay someone just to attest the facts with the smartly written phrase “To the best of my knowledge”.

Come to think of it, there aren’t too many people who actually make a living out of the human imperfections in this world. I stress on the word HUMAN because even in such a perfect world forces of nature such as earth quakes, cyclones, tsunamis and program bugs cannot really be avoided. So too, medical ailments such as cancer and stupidity. That makes doctors, testers, mega serial makers and the likes still hold significance. The police and military would still be necessary since these are essential roles Captain has to play in his movies. Politicians would be necessary as well to make news papers fun to read. That just leaves us with Lawyers and CA’s. And I run a co-blog on law so that still holds importance. Other than which the in depth analysis of the legal backbone that strings together the seamless functioning of societ… OK I really can’t cook up much in praise fo lawyers either, but that’s not the point here. Of course, we’d still need CA’s for finding totalling mistakes in balance sheets. Or wait a minute, we got advanced solutions such as Microsoft Excel for that!

The part that really gets funny is when a CA starts about how a marketer, engineer or a programmer is redundant. I mean, these are domains that actually do something to push a business forward. These are the components that actually make the business. The CA on the other hand is a person hired to mediate the process of robbing one’s hard earned dough over the past year by the government. Now to think of it, I guess the only reason this accountant is actually chartered is because of a fear of being murdered if on a full time roll.

Disclaimer: I hold nothing personally against CA’s.
If you are a CA and are reading this I hold back my surprise at your interest and request you to treat this as Misc.
If you are one of the CA’s that I do know you are an exception to this rule and I am not talking about you.

Financial accounting is one branch of accounting and historically has involved processes by which financial information about a business is recorded, classified, summarised, interpreted, and communicated; for public companies, this information is generally publicly-accessible. By contrast management accounting information is used within an organisation and is usually confidential and accessible only to a small group, mostly decision-makers. Tax Accounting is the accounting needed to comply with jurisdictional tax regulations.

Source: Wikipedia  Implication: BORING!

Thus, another Avataaram

July 3, 2008 at 2:05 pm | Posted in bong, King markiV returns | 6 Comments
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My theories are often counter intuitive, but this one had me totally surprised. Just ended up watching Dasavatharam and didn’t feel anything spectacular about it. Just another color-color flick…It must be all that hype that surrounds the act that raises expectations to levels that can never be achieved, finally just ending the victim up with disappointment regardless of the initial worth of the act. It happened with Sivaji, and now with Dasavatharam again. And mind you, I am quite a fan of both super star and world hero (corny name).

But that’s not what Im going to be getting at. What worries me is that Tamil movies, like any other big-money business tend to follow a proven track of success. That is, until the track is sufficiently worn out, raped, plundered, withered, dried and gone. There was a college movie phase, seeing the invent of the likes of Prashanth and early Ajith. An initial success until there were movies with anybody who just stopped their scooter (this is the early to mid 80s) near AVM studio. A beat up story involving the hero riding a Yamaha RX100. Standard Ctrl+C scenes would include a college tour to a hill station on a beat up bus (with a banner saying “College Tour”), song, possible rape of asst heroine or attempted rape of heroine (heroine must always be virgin- even if married, divorced or with kids) by college rowdy. A few hundred movies with the same plot, story line, song sequence and long shot scenes until it stopped selling.

Then an action movie phase, a non-fighting romantic hero phase, police phase, criminal phase, zamindar plot phase, hero-comes-to-pattinam phase… And that’s what scares me. With Dasavatharam turning heads already, I hear Rajini’s coming up with 20 roles in his movie.
The trouble is, there’s a good chance that movie would run as well. It’s the Super Star for Christ’s sake! But it wouldn’t end there, would it? Lets just go ahead and extrapolate the consequences. How many could have the heart to take 25 Vijays in one movie? And Ajith fans wouldn’t be too far behind either. But that’s not what scares me either. At least these guys make entertaining masala.

So I just go ahead and imagine the icing of multi role movies- the true apple of our eyes. But to make the task simpler, lets put in the Dasavatharam plot. Only lets cut budgets by removing Kamal, Ravikumar, Himesh, the light and camera crew and all the other actors, extras etc. Starring TR!

A great actor needs to create a great space around himself. The plot revolves around TR, a DoD laurete who researches on integrating WMDs with poetry. An eloquent repeat of “Thatti Paathen Kottangachi” results in the gruesome creation of little superstar. In a parellel run, thousands of years ago homo sapiens hunt down not-yet-evolved cross bred human-bear populations. This part, like the original, has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, except its one extra role for our hero and no makeup! Heres a rough of TR on this role:

 bear

Basing my trust on the readers creativity I shall stop short with the plot and just give the equivalent of each character:

 George Bush: Veerasaamy as the all powerful MLA because both always end up getting me in splits of laughter. No matter how serious they are.

the sophisticate

The police guy: Vakeel Dhada from Kaadal Azhivadillai as the bringer of justice because they act pricey and have a nasal tone.

the don

The scientist guy: The Kaadal Daasan from Sonnal Daan Kaadalaa (that wise love guru+ poet) because both are the inventors of the WMD but end up acting like heroes. Couldn’t find a picture or a video of this so if you find one do send it across.

The dumb tall guy: Cameo dance in that Vallavan Song. The acting required, and elasticity of movement is just the same.

The Japanese Marital Arts guy: The martial arts expertise and timely punch dialogs during the fight… Who else but Vaa Daa En Machi.

That sand quarry guy: The witty lawyer speaker. There couldn’t be a better fitting role- both guys talk too much and look disgusting. Although one tries to look good- TR doesn’t need to TRY!

The Paati Role: Our hero could never get down to being a woman, let alone an old hag. But delirious and stupid- a definite!

tr rand

The Singer dude: The sad thangachi sentiment role that shot him to stardom- boring!

Ex CIA Villain Guy: I couldn’t find a part where our guy could even be remotely bad, but the closest I get is this.

Oh and by the way, if such a movie did come you could be sure I’d even buy black tickets to watch it!
 

 

S.E.X. Evolution, Chance and Boredom

July 1, 2008 at 10:57 am | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 3 Comments
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Ah, finally! It feels good to be back..

It is no big mystery that one of the greatest pursuits of all life forms is to create more progeny. Not just progeny, but more progeny. Fruits, nuts, diets, Marthubootham et al to the rescue. Assuming that the average blog reader has at least sufficient providence for food, shelter and clothing (which in the IT sense means a monthly pass at the Andhra mess, an underground hole in Bangalore and a ragged pair of Tees and jeans bought during the iron ages and washed just about then), that fatal three letter word does crop up one way or the other.

Id love to make this a “How To”, with strategies, tips and tricks that could help you create more of your kind with minimal effort right here, but for now Id just stop short and recommend you wait till human cloning gets a pass in congress.

However I’m sure most must have at least in passing envied the not-so-evolved kinds that abound the planet. Considering the effort involved in finding and impressing a mate, falling in love, meeting the parents, getting raised eyebrows from “Uncle”, tying the knot, getting more raised eyebrows from the “Uncle”, disclosing savings that scratch the bottom of the vault and more embarrassing Uncle-talks, not to mention the initial effort in buying coffee, wearing washed/ pressed clothes, buying food, buying a car, buying a house, and often times finding a day job, the life of a dog does look impressive. One month a year with all the babes you can get on that street before you run in to the next. [For further info on Dogs and Territorial markings read here]

But give it a deeper thought. Think of your daily schedule as a mutt. Wake up early, howl and take a leak. Wait till the morning garbage is deposited and fish around the box for a light morning breakfast. No brushing, no shower, no shave. Just plunge right in. Wait for the hopeless IT folks to punch their time in and get out for their morning tea and smokes. Throw the hungry dog expression and get some butter biscuits- coconut ones if you are lucky. After all these guys do make pretty good money! Continue with a good sleep on a drying puddle, chase the tail, bark at random moving things, have a voice hunt with the other local dogs, more biscuits, bark, chase, garbage, sleep, and finish it off with another howling contest. Really not much to do. And you thought typing code, reading blogs and refreshing your orkut every few minutes for new scraps was boring. Obviously the number of dogs on the streets is a strictly increasing function over time.

Pigs are even worse. Wise scientists have discovered that pigs have thirty minute orgasms. That’s a half goddamn hour- the average duration of a megaserial. And I don’t think they allow commercial breaks while at it. Envy? Try to fit it in your life. No multitasking while watching FRIENDS (the sitcom you pervert!).

Not that it gets any better as you travel down the evolutionary chain. If you were amongst most aves, a friendly kiss could end you up with Bird Jr. In fact a perfect nuptial setting for a peacock would be to throw a solo dance pathetic enough to drop a few tears and let the hen chew up the eye drops later on. Sexy eyes as literal as can be!

Oh but it gets even worse. If you were a frog all you’d have to do is shoot your gametes in open water and get your kids from the unlucky passing missus. You don’t even have to worry if its yours- after all they all look just the same, and tadpoles don’t even look like frogs. If darts are your skill, this is one life form I’d suggest. No dates, no moonlight dinners, no rental tuxedos and stretch limos. Just point-and-shoot!

And lets not even get started with the trees. Beating eye lashes and betting my hard made genetic material on an insect that gets squashed on truck windshields isn’t my kind of romance. But that’s just me!

Of course right at the end of the line the amoeba and likes do pike my interest. But then again, the prospect of making a mirror of myself every time I eat a heavy enough lunch doesn’t sound like too much fun either. And moreover, doesn’t that get us back to the cloning issues?

The Deo Theory

April 30, 2008 at 11:24 am | Posted in bong | 17 Comments
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Advertisements have always had a very negative effect on me. And in my line of work that is a terrible thing to say. But nothing beats the Axe Effect. To begin with, I must iterate the fact that I really like the fragrance it throws. Which isn’t saying much, considering the deo’s market capture. However what really strikes me as odd is the format of the adverts all these body spray guys take.

Lets take the Axe (Male) Bum ChikaWaWah ad and the Fa (Female) New Fragrance ad examples. Quite obviously Axe is a deodorant that enables guys to attract girls and Fa helps women woo their men. Which implies that more women must like the fragrance of Axe and more men, Fa.

Now we come to a dilemma. Does not the above implication bring to the front that Axe must have a greater acceptance and usage amongst women and Fa with men? If that be the case then are the men using Axe compromising their preference so as to gain greater audinece amongst their womenfolk and vise versa with the Fa women?

But here again we come to a dead end. Obviously men do like the powerful smell of Axe, just as they enjoy the mild aroma of Fa. And I assume women must take the same platform, only from the other side. Then both men and women like the same set of fragrances. Then why differentiate masculine perfumes from feminine? A marketing charade? Or is it all only to end that men, in their macho outfit, must wear strong over bearing odor as their dainty ladies carry on in their pink frocks and girly scents? Men sweat? In a world of air conditioned gyms and Wii? And to assume women don’t? And most girls are happier in their jeans and tees than all pinky pinky.

It all comes down to positioning. A guy can be macho in anything- Bikes, Jeans, Mobile, Shaver, Shoes… Anything. A girl can be a feminist in just the same (except the shaver. Well, maybe!) So if you are a girl, the next time you stop by the deodorant aisle at the supermarket remember- the Fa or Rexona that you buy is a statement you are making- That you would rather compromise on your interests just to smell more girly to the random guy who would stalk you anyway.

And guys, if a girl is spending a good couple of hundreds on her perfumes she probably wants you to notice it. Be a gentle man and take a few sniffs!

How to Be a Faker

April 8, 2008 at 10:44 am | Posted in bong, How To, King markiV returns | 9 Comments
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After close to two months of being ‘Blog-Dead’, I come up with something that the world could probably live without. Santhosh made a futile push at breathing life with an absolutely boring tag. And since the tag was downright boring, I let it pass. But some day I might use it as an excuse to revive my space, Santhosh. Some day…

Back to the topic here- Fake Smiles. You see them all the time. Meet that school mate who used to drool over your text books? Rushed by the horde of middle aged random people at the cousin’s wedding? Or just signing the cheque at that overpriced eat-out? Its always there. That stretch of the lips that try to say ‘I’m really happy this happened’ but actually scream ‘LOSER’.

And in this world of tradition and niceties learning to be fake is just as important. Quite obviously each smile is unique in its own way. And it goes far beyond just a smile. This post would therefore aim to be a text book on ‘How to Be Fake’, how to handle the pressures it carries, and primarily deal with the process of being fake, further extending into the psychological and philosophical connotations it carries. I have, for the benefit of the practitioner, given a few popular example cases to begin with. However the reader must understand that a complete explanation of all the scenarios involved is beyond the scope of this post.

The first thing that any fake artist must learn is that the aim is not deceit. Most people make out the ‘fakeness’ and feel extremely satisfied that they have broken the ‘fakers’ mask. What they fail to understand is that this is exactly what the faker wants. When you give a fake smile followed by a ‘So nice to see you’ line to that old colleague you hate, you are trying to tell him ‘I hate you and hope you get run over by a truck in the next 2 minutes’. Being fake lets you dispel your thoughts under the blanket of societal decency.

The first and most common faking is with relatives at big family weddings (The stimulus for this post). Girls are experts at this game. This basic game is called ‘Give it Back’. Simply throw a plastered smile on anyone who even makes a chance eye contact. Make sure your eyes are either drugged myopic or strictly unfocused. If you’re practiced enough you could even avoid conversation. Once you notice a return smile quickly turn your focus and try to get as far away from your current position as possible. In the inevitable scene of a conversation try to say something as unintelligent as ‘aathule ellarum sowkyama’ (has your family population decreased since ‘time= n-1’?). Steer clear of any questions relating to their children or children there of. Unless of course you wish to be entertained with stories about how naughty their grand child is or the GRE score of their third daughter who just finished B.E from SVCE.

Another common situation we find ourselves in is chance meetings. Old school mates, colleagues, ex girl friends… Simply put, anybody you would rather not meet on the road. Since decency states that once seen you should make conversation, try to act like you did not see them in the first place. But once caught in the act, the next game you should learn is one called ‘Absolute Mania’. Here all you have to do is make a reason for not opening conversation. Something as simple as ‘Dai, neeya? Adayaalame theriyale da’ (Is this you? I could hardly identify!). Spice it up with a lot of foul language and make it sound natural in excitement (O*** its been such a f***ing long time. How the f*** have you been!). Chances are he/she is around with some respectable person and would want to break away from you as soon as possible. If even that doesn’t work, create a purpose for your existence and use that as an excuse to leave. Remember to take his/her number instead of giving yours and tell them you’d send them your number asap. Don’t.

Professional fakers however are not merely escape artists. Its their line to create situations, start the thread of conversation, accelerate gossip and in general add to the general idiocity of any status gathering. That given, once an interested reader has proven proficiency in the basic games above and their variants, he is ready to move to the next phase- the Fake Ninja.

A fake ninja, like a not-so-fake-ninja lives by the attack-and-escape tactic. A plastered smile is most often sufficient to join any ad-hoc group of maamis and hear in on their discussions. The ninja is always ready for any information and absorbs them for future use. Maamis would ideally be too engrossed in their vambu to even notice a dinosaur, let alone a fake ninja.

Once sufficient knowledge has been obtained it is the task of the fake ninja to dispel this knowledge to other groups of maamis and create political rivalries. At this point the ninja may choose to take sides but the author strictly advices against that in lieu of passing into the next stage.

The final success of a faker is an upgrade to the fake virus status. This might take a few weeks, or perhaps even years of careful practice but most fakers are able to do this in a few hours. At this time the artist simply uses the acquired knowledge from previous maami discussions to string series of people and make them feel totally out of place by pouring them with fake smiles. In cases of extreme age differences or sexual similarities unwarranted hugs and kisses might be used. This may sometimes be a little out of place, but isn’t that the purpose of being fake!

PS: I know my post scripts are in general more popular than my actual posts but if all you can comment lies in this one sentence I’m going to have to redirect all my disclaimers to the actual posts!

PPS: Darn! WordPress doesn’t allow that!

WhatSnot and What’s Not…

February 25, 2008 at 6:16 am | Posted in bong, life | 11 Comments
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As you might have realized, the topic of discussion here now is probably one of the most misunderstood and insulted… umm… parts of the human body.

I wonder why Snot became such a disgusting subject. It displays quite unpredictable characteristics. It is sometimes rock solid, sometimes flowy liquid, and most often sticky semi-solid. Yet it has called for theoretical analysis in neither physics nor chemistry. It is the most easily replaceable thing, and still does not see such active exchange. Why, the Eskimos must be wondering why their tropical cousins prefer hands in greetings!

Its not like snot doesn’t bring its share of benefits either. Riding through the fish market? Mucus to the rescue. Just permit a sufficient layering and lo and behold! Good air without the smell of rotting fish filling your lungs. In fact, I doubt why gas masks use charcoal instead. I must write to the defense research wing…

Everybody is OK with mucus. Mucus is OK when it is buried deep inside the lungs. It is even ok when it is chemically prepared and poured on the face as face packs. It is ok if it is aloe vera and collagen. And it is seen as a delicacy when it comes out of ladies fingers. But it becomes all ungraceful and disgusting coming out of a fellow human being. Double standards!

Call it different names. Call it mucus as it slides through deeper than your fingers can ever pick. Call it phlegm as it gets packed around viruses and couriered though the mouth. Call it snot as you roll it into a ball and fling it into the universe. Mooku-sheli, Snot, Phlegm, Mucus, CPI(M). Just different names to the same thing!

I, like most fellow skeptics, believed snot was just a disgusting annoyance with no good to mankind. Especially against the savage parameters set by the womankind… I, my friends, due to reasons I am ashamed of to this very moment, did not have the opportunity to contract the half-yearly weather changing ritual of the flu. That is, until recently. With sufficient changes in temperature and a few additional nice habits that I picked up along the way, I have now become the week-long holiday resort for anything that spells Common Cold. And never enjoyed any ill better!

The biggest problem most people quote is a runny nose. Raised in a family of weather-change-indicators and close friends who generously acted as every virus’s PTC, I soon gained the sage knowledge that would change my life, and perhaps millions more, for centuries to come. A few patient minutes of pushing your nose up the AC vent and you could set the mix to a favorable state. I further learnt to resist all temptation to remove the mass and leave room for more freshly manufactured fluidity. Meetings with colleagues who think Rexona is a shoe company? No problem, if you got Super-mix smell filters!

Another issue people superficially claim is The Sneeze. I know all you guys out there cringe your nose as you read this. But you might just accept it. Everybody loves a sneeze… As long as it’s them throwing the spew out! That feeling as you concentrate all your thoughts onto your nose. That high you hit as you get that out in a rage that even surprises you? Orgasmic!

Headaches are a different story. There really is no nice way to explain this, but with all those good things it brings in, it should have some evil as well, right? After all, it’s a disease! But one little work around I came up with is a pretty game that makes you enjoy what you can. Just give your head a little shake. Just enough to agitate that bubble you feel floating on your head. A tilt to the right, and now to the left… Keep dipping deeper and deeper, and faster and faster, until you can hit your shoulders with either ear and feel neither. Now maintain this pace until you feel that bubble expand onto your entire head, and then evolve to conquer the upper body. You’d be off to sleep before you even hit the bed. You don’t need alcohol tonight. Rubbing alcohol, perhaps, with all that tilting, but definitely not alcohol!

And cough is the most humane way to end this joy trip. Didn’t someone once say true joy is in sharing joy?!

Before I close let me roll out a list of advantages that this magical creation can be used as…

  1. Smell- Filter
  2. Nasal-hair gel
  3. Emergency glue
  4. Interesting plaything
  5. Effective skin moisturizer
  6. Salty food substitute
  7. Nose-based whistle enabler
  8. Dumb girl turn-off-er
  9. Clay/ Silly Putty
  10. Excuse to bunk!

PS: Writing under influence is a lot better than writing as you wrestle body fluids (read snot) away from the keyboard!

No More Mushy Business

February 19, 2008 at 3:16 pm | Posted in bong, King markiV returns, life | 7 Comments
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No, this is not another post on love. In fact, this is just the opposite. Mushraff is out! And finally, you might say. But to non-skeptics like me, this is the end of a beautiful era. An era of unprecedented (presidented?) comedy and almost a daily dosage of fun… Especially over the past year and how!

In fact, given past data, I had almost typed a post out ready on how our old general would pull a rig here and one there and continue his rein until he died of Tuberculosis, assassination or public hanging as is the custom in the Pure Land. But to rewrite history? And how!

Apparently, following a few million miles behind anything significant, PML said it would be willing to join a ‘coalition’. With the victors who’s prime purpose in life has been to reinstate ‘democracy’ in Pakistan. I love politics.

“Obviously, the nation has spoken through the ballot. We couldn’t convince them. They have rejected our policies and we have accepted their verdict,” PML’s Tariq Azim Khan told Reuters. “For the best interest of the country, we’re willing to cooperate and work with anybody.” [Source]

Hasn’t the country been screaming this view for close to half a decade now? Some people will always need statistics to back their every breath.

According to some quick surveys, the reasons for PML’s defeat was Mushy’s unpopularity, inflation, food shortages and power cuts. I cannot believe someone would actually hate such a funny guy, but then, people have always been unreasonable. And if I were there I’d be happy that there’s inflation. At least that stands as proof of an economy to have existed in the first place! But power cuts? Are you kidding me? They got electricity already?

But jokes apart, I think this is truly a turning point in history. If the husband Bhutto ends up winning, I could even go as far as to include him in my conspiracy theory! Mushy, although mixed with a great deal of humor and temper bouts, has been quite a change in a nation where school level science has lessons such as ‘making gun-powder and IEDs from house hold gadgets’ and ‘how to kill a Hindu in three steps’. His pinnacle to world peace must have probably been the extermination of every fifth guy walking on the street wearing a black t-shirt. Lesser humans, lesser wars, right! [Not Bull shit]

The turnout was close to 35%, with only 20% rigged votes. Ingeniously, since most riggers were citizens themselves, there was a record count of 15% valid votes- another first in the state!

A bit of confusion over the 70 seats reserved for women and religious minorities. According to Congress wouldn’t the entire population there be minority?

Disclaimer:
The same as with other sensational posts- I am not me and have nothing what so ever to do with myself or the likes.
This is NOT the truth. This is MY opinion. Watch the 10’o clock news for an opinion that would be called the truth.
I love Pakistan and all her citizens. Especially citizens with guns.
The comments here are moderated. Don’t flame me.

PS: It would have taken me at least late tomorrow afternoon to have gotten this info from the papers, considering I did not even remember ‘D-Day’! Its all thanks to Swamy and Yiktik.Com that got the info clearly categorized and easily accessible. I’d recommend you to really give it a try. I’d also recommend anyone coming over to murder me to try him instead!

[Edits]

Read the papers. So Musharaff did actually get a stumbling defeat. But adding insult to injury is the state of current affairs in world politics- No more Mushy dictatorship in Pakistan, Fidel Castro says he’s bored of being dictator and killing American spies in Cuba, and Bush is off his term of being universal dictator. Looks like Obama is fast coming up on top, and thats going to spell a world of difference to the War on Terror. Speaking of which, did you realize that Obama is just one letter away from Osama? Coincidence?

 

How to Ask Her Out

February 18, 2008 at 6:54 am | Posted in How To, work | 9 Comments
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…And not come out looking stupid!

 

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s really wanted…

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s the one…

She needs somebody to tell her that its gonna last forever…

Tell me if you ever really, really really ever loved a woman…

Actually don’t tell me. But then again…

I was watching this show on Channel V the other day called ‘Webcam Goddess’. Well, it really sounded like some porn flick so I didn’t risk surfing off.
Anyway, it turns out to be a show where you send in queries regarding your love life and the hostess gives you ingenious solutions to it. I puked only thrice!

My favorite was this guy from someplace up north.

‘Dear Goddess,

I am really close to this girl and of late have started really liking her. I know she likes me too, from the way she sees me with the corner of her eye and the way she touches her hair. But I’m really scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Northie-not-killed-in-mumbai’

For which the apparent love doc hostess says he should send her ‘beautiful’ bouquets for like a week, and then write down an anonymous letter telling her how much he loves her. And she would definitely reply if she had those feelings too. Definitely. If she does send in a reply to an anonymous letter, she sure is dumb enough to love!

Not that I’m the God of these matters or so, but I seem to know as much to understand that not only is the trick not going to work, but the girl is going to think he’s gay, which means all her friends, associates and acquaintances are struck off the list as well!

So I just thought I should do my little to the ignorant world of never-been-non-singular men, and i-think-i-found-love women by throwing in a bit of experiential advice.

First thing, if you are in the same boat as the northie guy, make sure the girl isn’t looking through the corner of her eye because of some opthal issues. Love and squint eyes can have fairly misleading symptoms. Second, there’s this strange corner-eye ‘wtf’ reaction that could be interpreted in a million ways, so just run a quick self check: odor, zipper, flipper, rips, color combos and the likes…

Next, if she’s brushing her hair a lot, she’s probably got an itch. Which is probably contagious. So if you don’t imagine a lovely honey moon where you pick the lies of each other’s scalps, move to the next.

Now if it finally comes down to asking her out, don’t expose her to flowers, money or the likes. If it doesn’t work out, it’s a useless investment. If it does, she’s going to expect more everytime!

And now, finally, the advice! Coming out without IDIOT written all over the face can be quite risky. And the tricks are never fail-proof. So you need good basic-psychology knowledge. Women are at a totally different plane when it comes to sense of humor. Ideally, if you can’t find the niche, move over to more serious stuff. It doesn’t have to be good or even true. Just say it.

One of the biggest, surest and probably the oldest tricks in the book is the ‘bad-guy’ game. Drill into her the knowledge that you are an evil, twisted bad, bad, bad guy. I tried the villain laugh as well, but it didn’t work for me. Maybe it would, for you. Now when she’s convinced you are the Satan himself, be yourself and do the stuff you normally would. Now despite being the cheap, conceited, uninterested guy that you are, you put yourself on the highest pedestal of nice on the relative scale. Thank you, Mr. Einstein.

When people were not really interested in buying a luxury car made by a cheap manufacturer, Lexus came out with the test drive initiative. And that has proven to be one of the best marketing pitches ever. Joke about being in a relationship. Put it into her head. Make her think of the life ahead. Demo boy-friend ver1.0… Or even better- try for a beta release (alpha-beta ‘beta’ you use in software, not the hindi one!)

Given your stature of having to read through a blog for love advice, I wouldn’t believe these techniques would work for you. But in case there be some misinterpretation and you do eventually lose your singularity, may all hell break lose. Live a lie!

Claimer:
The stunts mentioned above have been tried by experts. Don’t try this at home. Markiv and his Kootaalingal do not take any responsibility from loss to life, property or marital status arising from the above.

If you are a girl reading through this, I have neither knowledge nor experience in these games and they have been written by a totally different person purely for entertainment purposes.


The Weakest Amoeba

February 10, 2008 at 6:46 pm | Posted in bong, How To | 8 Comments
Tags: , , ,

Let me cut directly to the point here. I wrote this in a heightened state of awareness so most of whats here doesn’t make sense even to my otherwise sober self. Apparently the higher level of certain chemicals in my blood throws my purpose to propose break through scientific theories into high gear. Even if they are not really break through. And even if they have already been proposed.

OK. Before I even start, there are at least of a couple of assumptions that you would have to consider.

Primarily I consider Natural selection and Random Mutation to be correct. There are of course others like Intelligent Creation, which has not yet been fully accepted by the scientific community or Genesis, which has not been accepted by anyone except the pope.

I also assume the philosophy that change is not a choice of comfort but rather a forced adaption. Therefore you would really not be motivated to launder that pair of jeans until that ketchup stain has started decomposing and sending off methane and stuff.

Right from the start, when sperm cells were actual living organisms (the amoeba- paramecium era), there must have been a few guys who weren’t as adept as the others in making a good living. By random mutations, these guys would have been the weaker guys in the group unable to live happy amongst the stronger amoebae. Obviously the first few days would have seen a lot of weaker deader amoebas lying on the floor. But eventually these guys would have formed a kind of socialism between their kind to ensure a fairer competition. The first multi-cellular organisms, my friends, and the beginning of communism!

As we go on, these team-worked multi-cellular communist guys would have gained a greater power than the fascist singles at some point, and become the de facto mechanism. The progression of some of these guys into the first plants makes sense as well. Of course there could have been some that could neither get its food the sun-light way, not use the previous techniques. I assume this would have led to a primitive cannibalism where the stronger group of a few multi-cellular guys could have had to eat their step cousins for a living. I bring to you, Animals… and Basic Capitalism 1.0!

Further on, lets take the jump to the great grandfather of you and the chimpanzee. Some of these guys would have been great jumpers and loved to be that way. But the other not-so-good jumper guys would be driven to live in smaller groups on the ground simply because they have to, what with all those lions, tigers, Raj Thakreys and other predators running around. Groups would need administration. Even amongst these groups, there would be those incapable of physical strains and toils. For their survival they would need to subjugate and utilize the physical labor of their neighbors. Slavery and humanoids have always been famous in Africa. With eventual run-aways and revolts of the now ‘weaker’ slaves, a few would have ventured out of their natural habitat by force. And this probably predates Moses, but who are we to question the texts of Gods. In unknown territory, these guys would have invented primitive tools such as crude rocks to frighten and kill…. Usually other animals… Except Fridays in ancient China…

Purely because of the incapacity of the inventors to take the ‘normal’ path, this could have progressed into other cheaper primitive technology, such as shaped stones, bronze and iron, the wheel, Woodworks’ Grate Water and Mahindra Renault Logan. Not necessarily in that order.

Even in later history, it was the inability of the Spanish to live in their own land’s resources that sent them to conquer the world. Inability, my friends. That’s what causes evolution. It is not the strongest amoeba that went on to evolve and work with Intel duo core processors today, but rather the not-so-able Ramdoss. Simply because of his advantage of being a not-so-good amoeba. [Edit: Here we quote Ramdoss as the icon of tamil-ness, and further his technical prowess as well]

I present to you, and perhaps forward it to the Nature and Evolution Journals. It is not the strongest individual that goes up the evolution ladder, but rather the weaker group. In short, I theorize that evolution is a result of the desire for groups of weaker guys to survive and therefore serendipitously invent an easier way of living.

In the aspect of history and economics, I bring to light that but for Karl Marx, Communism and probably CPI(M) we would all have had to resort to binary fission during first-night scenes.

I also wish to reinstate that you are now reading this blog simply because you once sucked as an amoeba, a fungus, a proto-plant, an ant, a goat, a tiger, a chimpanzee and a South African, in that order.

PS: I am super drunk now and I’m writing this to see how hilarious I sound when I drink alone.

PPS: This theory probably exists and therefore my Nobel prize snatched away, but you know I did not know that the theory, which if it exists, I do not as of this moment know of.

PPPS: Stop reading my disclaimers and read the stuff above.

PPPPS: OK. That wasn’t all that random. Infact it even makes sense! I must start watching more KTV!

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