All Hail Pee Eich Dee…

January 30, 2009 at 2:05 pm | Posted in bong, King markiV returns, life, work | 6 Comments
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Times’ been slow
Since I got my feet
Off fair grounds
And in, this deep
Leaving home
To get all wise
And before the year
Broken thrice
Crapped and pooped
In search of light
Stupidest decision
In hindsight
In comes the experienced
With wisdom, sound
Of years, stuck
Of being around
“But that’s the way
Its done, you see…
That’s the way
Of Pee Eich Dee..”

Smarten Idea-
More Ex, More Y
I need more Data
“Sir, one more try?”
A beta here,
And a gamma there
Differentiate alpha
And throw a square
But that’s just the beginning
Of this tale of woe
Partial it out
With the vector’s Doe
Wake up in the morning
And get all dressed
Then tear it out
“It won’t regress”
So the cubicle’s set
On the chair all perched
Google, Orkut, Facebook
In the name of research
Then there’s the break
As humans deserve
When you get all guilty
Try to graph that curve
“Its not linear, sir-
Its just not flat,
I can’t adjust that R-Square
Or derive Y-Hat”
Can’t question the process
Can’t scream “Why Me?”
Apparently that’s just
The Pee Eich Dee!

The day wears on,
To the break of lunch
Get off my comp
Break off that hunch
The fridge is empty
So eat out once more
Like we did yesterday
And the day before
What will it be?
We could have Chinese…
Tasteless rice
“More Tofu, please?”
Or we could go dashing
For veggies in bread
And try to remember
Those days, well fed
And there goes the billing
All my savings, spent
Seven wholesome dollars
And twenty one cents
Oh, did you expect
They’d give it off, free?
Just ‘cos I’m a poor victim
Of Pee Eich Dee?

So that all done,
Its time to rest
Admist five journals
And two more tests
That paper isn’t reviewed
And Mr.Lagrange can’t wait
But that FB game
Is too good a bait
Until you realize
Your work’s out of scope
And diversions keep pushing you
On the slippery slope
Deadlines to meet,
Motivated by fear
Wake up, realize
You’ve got five years…
Frequently questioning
The purpose of life
A longing glance
At that elusive knife
And to the end you think
What is it worth?
When all but boredom
You’re in forever, dearth…
A doctor before
And nothing much after
And you get down thinking
Does a name really matter?
Its all transient
But I’m going to flee
Adieu to you
Hail, Pee Eich Dee….

Of Charters and Accountants…

July 11, 2008 at 1:16 pm | Posted in bong, work | 6 Comments
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CA’s are funny. Atleast the types Ive come across. They hold a thought of superiority over every other domain or education, consider their work as primary in the enlightenment of society, refuse to understand logic, reason or mathematics and generally hate engineers, managers, analysts, company top brass, union workers, manufacturers, IT guys, tea boys and anyone else to whom a computer does not immediately rise the word TALLY. Which, incidentally they don’t use either.

Moreover all prospective CA’s that I have ever spoken to swear by the book that they are not accountants. That I do not get. A chartered bus is the same thing as a normal bus, albeit without a set route. Why should chartered accountants be any different?

But that is only the tip of the iceberg. Probably the few decades the average CA ends up travelling, taking up coaching classes, giving in examinations, internships, and a constant stare at arbitrarily cooked up numbers makes them morose at other fields that actually DO SOMETHING. Not that CA;s don’t do anything-just nothing productive. Lets take the guy turning the bolts for a living- in a perfect world he would continue to turn bolts, perhaps only better. So would the tea shop guy make better tea, and a programmer throw lesser bugs. But what about this CA? The numbers are right, the taxes paid off properly, on-pay finance guys take care of distribution of capital gain to cause least damage. And since the system gets perfect there is no longer a need to pay someone just to attest the facts with the smartly written phrase “To the best of my knowledge”.

Come to think of it, there aren’t too many people who actually make a living out of the human imperfections in this world. I stress on the word HUMAN because even in such a perfect world forces of nature such as earth quakes, cyclones, tsunamis and program bugs cannot really be avoided. So too, medical ailments such as cancer and stupidity. That makes doctors, testers, mega serial makers and the likes still hold significance. The police and military would still be necessary since these are essential roles Captain has to play in his movies. Politicians would be necessary as well to make news papers fun to read. That just leaves us with Lawyers and CA’s. And I run a co-blog on law so that still holds importance. Other than which the in depth analysis of the legal backbone that strings together the seamless functioning of societ… OK I really can’t cook up much in praise fo lawyers either, but that’s not the point here. Of course, we’d still need CA’s for finding totalling mistakes in balance sheets. Or wait a minute, we got advanced solutions such as Microsoft Excel for that!

The part that really gets funny is when a CA starts about how a marketer, engineer or a programmer is redundant. I mean, these are domains that actually do something to push a business forward. These are the components that actually make the business. The CA on the other hand is a person hired to mediate the process of robbing one’s hard earned dough over the past year by the government. Now to think of it, I guess the only reason this accountant is actually chartered is because of a fear of being murdered if on a full time roll.

Disclaimer: I hold nothing personally against CA’s.
If you are a CA and are reading this I hold back my surprise at your interest and request you to treat this as Misc.
If you are one of the CA’s that I do know you are an exception to this rule and I am not talking about you.

Financial accounting is one branch of accounting and historically has involved processes by which financial information about a business is recorded, classified, summarised, interpreted, and communicated; for public companies, this information is generally publicly-accessible. By contrast management accounting information is used within an organisation and is usually confidential and accessible only to a small group, mostly decision-makers. Tax Accounting is the accounting needed to comply with jurisdictional tax regulations.

Source: Wikipedia  Implication: BORING!

How to Ask Her Out

February 18, 2008 at 6:54 am | Posted in How To, work | 9 Comments
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…And not come out looking stupid!

 

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s really wanted…

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s the one…

She needs somebody to tell her that its gonna last forever…

Tell me if you ever really, really really ever loved a woman…

Actually don’t tell me. But then again…

I was watching this show on Channel V the other day called ‘Webcam Goddess’. Well, it really sounded like some porn flick so I didn’t risk surfing off.
Anyway, it turns out to be a show where you send in queries regarding your love life and the hostess gives you ingenious solutions to it. I puked only thrice!

My favorite was this guy from someplace up north.

‘Dear Goddess,

I am really close to this girl and of late have started really liking her. I know she likes me too, from the way she sees me with the corner of her eye and the way she touches her hair. But I’m really scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Northie-not-killed-in-mumbai’

For which the apparent love doc hostess says he should send her ‘beautiful’ bouquets for like a week, and then write down an anonymous letter telling her how much he loves her. And she would definitely reply if she had those feelings too. Definitely. If she does send in a reply to an anonymous letter, she sure is dumb enough to love!

Not that I’m the God of these matters or so, but I seem to know as much to understand that not only is the trick not going to work, but the girl is going to think he’s gay, which means all her friends, associates and acquaintances are struck off the list as well!

So I just thought I should do my little to the ignorant world of never-been-non-singular men, and i-think-i-found-love women by throwing in a bit of experiential advice.

First thing, if you are in the same boat as the northie guy, make sure the girl isn’t looking through the corner of her eye because of some opthal issues. Love and squint eyes can have fairly misleading symptoms. Second, there’s this strange corner-eye ‘wtf’ reaction that could be interpreted in a million ways, so just run a quick self check: odor, zipper, flipper, rips, color combos and the likes…

Next, if she’s brushing her hair a lot, she’s probably got an itch. Which is probably contagious. So if you don’t imagine a lovely honey moon where you pick the lies of each other’s scalps, move to the next.

Now if it finally comes down to asking her out, don’t expose her to flowers, money or the likes. If it doesn’t work out, it’s a useless investment. If it does, she’s going to expect more everytime!

And now, finally, the advice! Coming out without IDIOT written all over the face can be quite risky. And the tricks are never fail-proof. So you need good basic-psychology knowledge. Women are at a totally different plane when it comes to sense of humor. Ideally, if you can’t find the niche, move over to more serious stuff. It doesn’t have to be good or even true. Just say it.

One of the biggest, surest and probably the oldest tricks in the book is the ‘bad-guy’ game. Drill into her the knowledge that you are an evil, twisted bad, bad, bad guy. I tried the villain laugh as well, but it didn’t work for me. Maybe it would, for you. Now when she’s convinced you are the Satan himself, be yourself and do the stuff you normally would. Now despite being the cheap, conceited, uninterested guy that you are, you put yourself on the highest pedestal of nice on the relative scale. Thank you, Mr. Einstein.

When people were not really interested in buying a luxury car made by a cheap manufacturer, Lexus came out with the test drive initiative. And that has proven to be one of the best marketing pitches ever. Joke about being in a relationship. Put it into her head. Make her think of the life ahead. Demo boy-friend ver1.0… Or even better- try for a beta release (alpha-beta ‘beta’ you use in software, not the hindi one!)

Given your stature of having to read through a blog for love advice, I wouldn’t believe these techniques would work for you. But in case there be some misinterpretation and you do eventually lose your singularity, may all hell break lose. Live a lie!

Claimer:
The stunts mentioned above have been tried by experts. Don’t try this at home. Markiv and his Kootaalingal do not take any responsibility from loss to life, property or marital status arising from the above.

If you are a girl reading through this, I have neither knowledge nor experience in these games and they have been written by a totally different person purely for entertainment purposes.


Dogs don’t Piss me off

December 11, 2007 at 10:42 am | Posted in bong, King markiV returns, work | 11 Comments

Have you ever noticed a dog relieving its sub level pressures? On first glance it is kind of unnerving to think about smelling, tasting and rubbing on the surface before you open it to your golden gleams. Not for Stinky Poo, the white dog just out of office (name changed cos the damn thing responds to ANY sound!)

To you and me its just getting rid of some extra fluids and dissolved ammonia. But to the dogs that’s territorial marking. Apparently, dogs use their bowels as weapons limiting boundaries. Still pretty primitive, you might be tempted to say. But while we, as humans, resort to bullets and fire and electric fences and nukes killing, murdering and butchering our own race look at the simplicity of the lower species. URINE!

Now just take a moment to get your critique hats off and get into Stinky Poo’s shoes… Or the lack thereof…

Imagine a world where we limit our boundaries with our liquids. Investing on land? Don’t waste time on sale deeds and NOCs. If it doesn’t smell of ammonia already, its all yours for the taking. Lets even go a step further. There won’t be any more disputed territories. No destructive wars. Pak says J and K belongs there, we say its here and Kashmiris say they’re independent. Fastest pisser first!

And wars! That’ll be an entirely new ball game (pun? Not really). Now Bush just has to fill in ballistic missiles with huge amounts of collective excreta payload. Its raining, Saddam! Defense will now consist of massive umbrellas and tents. Defense research would probe on faster spread, more invasive urine. A whole new arena to military advancement… The only problem is that falling motivation levels would lead to more and more soldiers getting pissed off with the government. But that’s a minor glitch…

Another amazing effect of such a view point would be the economic impact. Since more people would need to take a leak more often and in greater quantities, beer is going to become a sought after commodity. And public toilets can no longer be public- it’s a property of the last pisser. Therefore I can envision government pissifiers salaried to take a leak and reclaim the property after every user. That means more employment opportunities on the unskilled segment (it does require a certain skill, though).

Such amazing technology that would cause zero war mortality, remove paper work from business processes and reduce unemployment… And I can already tell you- its going to get scorned off like my million other brain waves!!!

btw: heres a picture of Stinky Poo and his latest land deed

Infinite Infancy…. Happy Birthday to me…

November 13, 2007 at 10:14 am | Posted in bong, King markiV returns, life, work | 14 Comments

Im usually against merely accounting for one’s existence in one’s blog. Being born is truly an amazing feeling. I cannot imagine my life, if only I had not been born. Therefore my birthdays symbolize the pinnacle of achievement and duly deserve celebration.

However, its hard to find your environ adjust to these phenomena. I walk into the office, phone stuck to my ear, and get ready for the monotony I make money for. And in the place where my sparkling cubicle must have been, I find this- laptop et al…

A little running around to discover where my poor little electronics lay and finally I got it within my bounds. The key here is I was most amazed by my collegues’ trust in me- for starters, the planners were hitting dry wall till this morning when the idea to make my cube an extension of the dump came to their heads. The obvious trust that I would never cross the 10.30-11 barrier and knock in even a second earlier was truly overwhelming. More importantly, all the accumulated junk and the obvious bad stares were braved by them to gain a single moments’ satisfaction of my surprise. Had I bunked the day, they would have had to put in extra efforts to clear the mess up and answer weird stares as lesser mortals crossed the path. Yet their trust that I would turn up in any situation that could get me embarrassed is awe inspiring. This should stand testimony to the fact!

(the board reads “Go Home Vik!”. Go figure…)

Anyway, I ended up clearing my cubicle, getting rid of all that junk and making the place inhabitable again. If it were me arranging this invitation to someone else, I would have put in a little decomposing vegetable waste to make sure the entire cabin has to be fumigated before its fit to live in. But well, I guess there could be a slight possibility that the planners secretly wanted me to get back to work soon enough.

The worst part about birthdays, however, is that people assume that being as old as I am (the years must be catching on) birthdays shouldn’t have the significance they had a decade back. I noted fewer calls this year than the last three put together. And all from either friends whom I personally reminded to call me or those who still assume I’d turn 18 this year.

I asked my mom about the wonders I performed as an infant. Apparently my mom was advised by a friend to abort her second kid during the third month of pregnancy. My mom chose to ignore her reasoning- a decision she probably still regrets. I also inquired about the three wise men who knocked at our doors to tell my mom of the god-send that was to be born. She only remembers a Raa-Pichakaaran (night beggar). We were living pretty nomadic, shifting houses every few years, so the mix up is justifiable.

The day I was born is however truly like the hero intro part of a classic action movie (read Captain)… Power failure through the city, torrential rains and storms, dingy hospital… I also googled to check if the stars were in any spectacular arrangement that night. I guess the clouds obscured them from vision.

So on, I have succeeded in proving that I am a wonder boy, born to save the world from something. Its been two decades and three years since, and I’m still waiting to figure out what!

Campus Tour….

October 26, 2007 at 7:26 am | Posted in bong, work | 8 Comments

Most of the film industry in the subcontinent, especially the ones down south, seems obsessed with colleges and the fun life it carries. Learning the essence of life from movies and video games, I braved my better foot forward into engineering with hopes of dudes in bikes, gorgeous women that had been jealously guarded from our childhood eyes to enhance the joy of first sight at adolescence. I imagined gangs lined up against walls specially constructed for that purpose, enjoying the little pleasures of life. I dreamed of parties through the nights, the fights and the fun.

My college did not have the trees I thought it would. It was hot, but what else could I expect out of Chennai. The sand was red. For a moment I thought we had gone a bit off track and landed in the Thar dessert, and looked for camels. When all I saw was a couple of water buffaloes I was convinced of the presence of some far away puddle and concluded I was still in the coastal town I intended to be in. That’s when I saw the board that said ‘Pondicherry- 170 kms’. I was technically in a different city… Almost bordering the state I had so happily grown up in. In fact, if this had been the pre-independence times I would technically be on the Anglo-French borders… Should I culturally adapt to the differences? Would the guys at the canteen say ‘Bon Appetite’? And whatever would happen if a full blown similar to the hundred years war rolled in? Would I be stuck between the warring factions? Would Joan request me to join her ranks? I had pledged the next four years of my existence to this elite grad school and that would be were my loyalty would lie…

Studying in one of the top institutes isn’t a lot of fun. Remember the nerds you pulled digs at back in school? Now they are back in droves, and that’s all there is. If there is one thing worse than having to sit next to a drooling idiot, its having to sit in the midst of forty odd drooling idiots. Eight hours a day. Thirty days a month. Six months a semester. For the whole of eight semesters.

The break came, as they always do. As was customary since my school days, I went out to clear the buffer from my output system and refill some inputs for sustenance. I walk back in, and everybody is already on their seats. Studying! I turn around hoping to find some older being controlling the masses and find none. Apparently the class decided to make good use of the limited time before them. After all a mere 4 years consisting of 2 semesters each isn’t quite a lifetime. Oh, and did I mention- this was the FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE!

Yes, now I’m done with that part of education and have even let a few years flow by. But the terror of the moment still grips me tight. And the next time I see Murali (ever collegiate Tamil star of Idhayam fame), I’m planning to pay his capitation and force him to try engineering once before disillusioning youth.

The Warrior King

September 24, 2007 at 1:55 pm | Posted in King markiV returns, work | 6 Comments

Theesh, one of my friends from college, has come up with this amazing online game. I’m trying to sound as unbiased as I can, but the game is just simply amazing. Very simple to play, intelligent, and never ending. All the ingredients to fill the life of my kind of random-surfers-looking-for-some-entertainment folks.
For one, I am not too much of a gamer. Ever since I broke my arrow keys playing NFS and Roadrash (ok, I’m old!) I have been maintaining a safe distance from these evils. And a purely strategic game that relies more on planned precision than multiple ramming on the keyboard (read MK4) has only been a dream so far.
The Warrior King truly lives to this expectation. In fact I am really surprised with the professional UI and work path these guys have figured!
The game opens with you naming yourself as ‘King’ of some random place, with a fixed amount of dough, food and people. As in most games, all these guys are born farmers. I was hoping to consecutively train these people to anything, but their educational background only lets them get admission into some B school and become Traders. Or maybe thats how it starts. Would have to get it cleared by Theesh.

The cool part is the planned build up of an army, where you hand pick not only the different cadres with archers, cavalry and infantry, but have to separately supply them with their weaponry as well. I don’t know if the ranks of soldiers and their weapons get researched and upgraded as one scales up in the game, but if it does it would be even cooler. Theesh has always been inspired by spying and espionage so it doesn’t surprise me that he has given in-depth importance to Surveillance and Intelligence.
The only part that I’m not really too happy about is the Battles. I think there is some internal program that makes me consistently loose. I mean, an army the size of Pamela Anderson’s…. fan club. And still, I loose…
I simply ascribe that to a minor bug these guys overlooked!
Check it out at http://www.thewarriorking.com/
Anyways, I would seriously recommend anybody flying through this space to give this game a try. Especially assuming you are at work and jobless enough to surf around looking for reads (there aren’t any agents and stuff, so if your browser is javascript enabled you shouldn’t face any issues!)

Science wins Technology- Hands down

August 17, 2007 at 6:22 am | Posted in bong, work | 14 Comments

Technology and its daily nuances don’t affect me half as much as its elder brother- science usually does. That apart, the recent unveiling of the Audeo has had me quite enthralled.

The human body and the amazing engineering within comes to the obvious when we start to look at the body as an engineered genius. What is the heart but a pump, the limbs but joints, blood an intricate work of plumbing, and nerves but wires.

So what greatness is a device that can make people who can neither talk not move by their own now do both with ease to the common man bestowed with the powers of motion and speech? In my honest opinion- Zilch. As of now, the Audeo is the new baby technology that does its rounds to collect its fair share of awe and dough. But looking beyond the economic prosperity, let’s take a little trip in extrapolation, if only you would remove that skeptic’s hat and rationale behind.

The nervous system is a loose analogy to an electrical circuit. Only instead of a direct potential difference as in electricity, neurons (the wires here) do their job with the help of chemicals that create a similar potential (synapses). It is therefore only logical to try and tap this potential to draw the causal relationships that govern the human brain and perhaps try replicating it. In fact, contemporary electro encephalograms are based on plotting the neurotic wave pattern. To state it simply enough, the Audeo works by converting certain neuron pulses into electric ones and then act upon the latter.

Getting down to the extrapolation now, let us consider the possibility of the reverse (converting electric impulses to neuron ones) being possible (I see no reason why it shouldn’t). Imagine creating an electro-mechanical arm that moves and works just like a real one. People with severed limbs can just fit one to the stub of their joints. While prosthetics have been widely available for over a good half a century and perhaps more, imagine the possibility of an artificial limb that not only moves, shakes and wrings just as a normal hand would, but also feels. Amongst the sensory perceptions, it is without doubt that the sense of touch is given a lesser than least respect. But we often do not realize that the perfect equilibrium in holding an egg is only made possible because the hand realizes the opposing pressure acting on it. But for the pressure detectors in the form of intricate nerve endings on the fingers, the egg would be simply squashed.

Pressure sensors, heat sensors and converting these signals into any form we require is simpler today than writing this sentence. If it were possible to convert these into a form understandable by the nervous system (brain/ CNS), we can practically replicate sensory organs with cheaper and more widely available responsive prosthetics.

The high point of my imagination is when the eyes can be replaced by auto focus low power cameras, limbs with robotic prosthetics, smell with olfactory detectors, ears with minute microphones etc (not able to bypass taste though). A complete human requiring just a brain and a spine (for central nervous coordination)- the rest substituted by robotic components.

As a final blow, reality is merely the interpretation of our sensory perceptions (which is why we are calmed or irked by some kinds of lights, music, pictures, temperature, environ, smell etc). By replicating the sensory stimuli, we can ideally create a false reality- MATRIX style. To think about it, this might even eventually be required. To ensure that we do not continue littering about, we might simply be slipped into a virtual world which our senses convince us to be real. Perhaps we would simply live in a world of supposed reality just so as to ensure sustenance of our world. Maybe we voluntarily entered a make believe world where life, death, pain and joy are stimulated responses much like a computer game. May be we already are there and determine ourselves to assume otherwise.

Welcome to the MATRIX

The American Duck!

May 5, 2007 at 9:49 am | Posted in bong, work | 5 Comments

In a serious conversation, one of my American clients gave me the deepest insight into the American mind- the biggest mantra in marketing. The truth about why doing business in the Americas is so different from doing business anywhere else. Why the American market is bigger than that of the rest of the world put together.

Looking through my analytics, I realize that a great chunk of my traffic is from the Americas, followed by my own country and sporadic bursts from Europe, A-Pac and Australia. That my blog has a world wide readership is sure a source of pride. That I get a lot of traffic from India is no surprise either, considering the local issues I raise (such as… well… the socio-economic stuff… ok- edho namma locals ku puriyara maadri inga ange irukku ille!)
But the big percent form the united states is really something to ponder about. I get about 50 different IPs tracked from the states everyday. Now subtracting my Indian friends who apparently went there to study but had ended up spending their lives in Orkut and Blogosphere either with pictures like “Me on Third Street in California” or profiles which go “Missing Mom’s Thair Saadam”, that still leaves us with a sizable number- I could safely assume about 20 new hits a day (which is still sizable!). What makes this even more worth pondering is the fact that the time spent by these guys is about 15 seconds- definitely not enough to read a post. And quite obviously, they don’t leave their comments.

After a detailed study, painstaking data accumulation and deep analysis (all of which took the 5 minutes ride to work), the answer hits me right on the face.
Americans have disgustingly low attention spans.
While the rest of the world is making love, the Americans have it easy with just Fuggin around!
Anyways, whatever the reason, I know I will have to as much capture my white audiences as well, so in a humble attempt, I write my American version (for American readers ONLY)

HI!

Whew! That was short.

The mantra to the american mind comes back stronger and truer- “Remember- Americans are Ducks!”

PS: If you are a non-american taking offense at the stuff above, I make it clear that in no way is this an insult to the country or the good, nice, kind hearted, anti-terroristic, peace loving peoples it houses. It is because of their short attention spans that the American market is a paradise to start-ups. It is this same short attention span that makes marketing there so much more interesting

If you are an American taking offense, id say the same thing as above, but as a rule abiding American you are not supposed to be reading this far!

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