I Forget…

September 20, 2007 at 7:20 am | Posted in bong, How To, King markiV returns, life | 5 Comments

Right from the wake, I knew there was something different about today. Perhaps just a gut instinct, but I couldn’t quite point the figure at something. I tried to think of the dream I had, but to no avail. Was it the same as yesterday? Maybe… Try as I might, I could not close it down…

The coffee was cold and stale. Is this how I like my coffee? I am not too sure. The last time I woke up in time to drink the coffee hot was at least half a decade ago. Or was it? Has it been that long? DO I really like coffee? Is this coffee in the first place?

Settling down with the paper. The Hindu has always brought me sufficient read to enhance my mornings. Always? Did I not prefer Deccan Chronicle for pure entertainment purposes? Considering the Hindu is pro communist, should I not loathe it? Do I? Am I anti communist??

Anyways, shifting to the actual news in the MetroPlus column, my eye falls on an interesting article about Alzeimer’s Disease. I remember to link it down for reference.

The story talks about the probability density of Alzeimer’s amongst the ‘post 80 but still alive’ populous at one in five, and the density greatly reduces amongst the younger crowds. Since the probability doubles with every 5 years post 65 and comes to 1:5 at 80, it must be approximately 1 in 10240 at the age of 25. However, since the factors are much less pronounced at the younger ages, the ratio comes to about 1 in 1,000,000. My peers have always told me that I am one in a million. Now that gets me scared. If only I can remember what it was…

Still not convinced (probably since it took me ten minutes to get through each word, by which time I forgot what it was), I dedicatedly mapped each of the symptoms to incidences.

Difficulty in performing simple tasks such as making tea: Sheeks, I realized I couldn’t make tea. In fact, I have never been in the know how all my life. I must be a severe case!

Forgetting appointments and meetings: Strike again! Mobile alerts, google calendar alerts, and reminders on my desk, while I overlook my inability in the previous quote to drink tea made by the obviously non-Alzeimer nair outside office.

Language Difficulties: Totally. I cant get Hindi beyond ‘Mera Naam Markiv Hein. Mein Das vi Kaksha Padutha hoon’. Too bad it had to metamorphose into the official high society babe lingo just when guys were evolving from Machan to Dude!

Confusion of place and time: Happens all too often. I once woke up at 3 in the morning and demanded Curd Rice from the room service (across 7 seas and mountains). Of course, I would now know that the apparent blame on Jet Lag was merely superficial

Lack of Judgment, such as being insensible to traffic: I lived in Bangalore for a good half a year

Problem with balancing cheques: I tried making a cheque leaf stand on one finger… Gets blown away every time! You might blame the wind, but we both know beyond reasonable doubt what the real reason is!

Misplacing keys and keeping objects in inappropriate places: Keys are perrineally misplaced, so much so that they have carved themselves a place on the couch. And keeping things in inappropriate places- I wear my wallet on my butt (with a little length of cloth in between called the trousers)

Mood fluctuations: Too often. I realize I fluctuate from happy (salary time), to spend thrifty (first 10 days), to miserly (last 10 days) to anticipating (last few). Hungry at 11, stuffed at 2, hungry at 4, full at 9, sleepy at 11, and more sleepy in the mornings.

Changes in personality: Depends on who I am

Lack of initiative: Life is boring enough for me to write a length on an article from MetroPlus!

So I realize its something serious. I had to remind myself- Gajni style. And the tattoo I printed reads ‘MetroPlus AD’. I try to remember what it was about ‘Hagar the Horrible’ that I so badly wanted to write about….

So, do you think YOU are demented? Tell me why and if its good enough I’ll forget it!

Disclaimer:

This post was meant to be purely humorous, so if this actually offends you in someway, don’t read it.

Alzeimer’s is a condition that cannot be prevented, but with early care it can surely be controlled to make the patients lead a better life. Check these guys out for more details

I forgot what point three was.

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RavaJi- The Toss

June 21, 2007 at 2:26 pm | Posted in bong, How To | 20 Comments

Disclaimer: This is an independent movie that has absolutely nothing to do with movies that may sound similar in name, clause or stupidity. 39,45,680 million plastic dollars were burnt to make this movie the most expensive movie ever made…

Disclaimer 2: I am a real Rajni fan. And I have every reason to hate Shankar- he screwed up thalaivar. But well, this has nothing to do with either, so read on…

[Edited: unlike directors of age, i cannot sleep with a dead end script. so a little more logic…]

Foreword (naalu vaartha paesanum nu sonnange): This is a sondha karithu movie. However, since the last sondha karuthu movie was created in 1932 and was an adaptation of a play before it, the topic of sondha karithu is highly relative. I hope this acts a ready-to-use guide book for Kollywood Movie Start ups so we have more geniuses like Director Name-King.

The movie begins with our hero BlackMan Balaraman being arrested for thiruttu VCD business. Meesai Mama, the public fearing cop asks Balaraman to put a sticker pottu on his cheek so the publics won’t recognize him. Half the world stands right outside, waiting to give up their lives for Balaraman. The angry mob gets confused by the mole and put up placards that read ‘Balls to you’ showing their animosity towards mamas and gap le take oc puffs from jail canteen.

Bals is taken into the prison, where an emancipated oldie already half foot through pearly gates conducts an enquiry-

Oldie: enna pa inge
Oldie:kal odaika vandhiya?
Bals: ille
Oldie: kalli thinga vandhiya?
Bals: ille
Oldie: kambi enna vandhiya?
Bals: ille
Oldie: pinne enna dash ku dann vandha?
Bals: Makkalukku nalladhu panna vandhen

[Flash Back]

Daadi Thandavarayan and Karuppu thaayee are waiting outside Birla Planetarium with Mokka Murugesan.
Bals gets out of the manja color dummy plane outside, takes an aasai chocolate (the 25paise one) and style aa throws it at pakkathu seat poongothai…

It figures from the conversation that Bals is the son of Daadi and Karuppu (we are on first term basis now). Mokkai is a random attachment as Bal’s side kick.
The travel back to their mansion in the maatu vandi is the part where the story (or absence of it) unravels. Bals is back to Chennai from doing time at Tihar jail and awes at the mayajaal, satyam multiplex, INox and Rohini theatre- mushroomed in his absence. Just as he passes a halt outside Devi theatre, he notices the counter sporting HouseFull for a prashanth movie and black tickets sold at triple the price to idiots willing to buy. “Evalo theatre vandhu koode innum black ticket samudhaayam korayale”

Evening at Brilliant’s Kai Yendhi Bhavan.

Bals announces that he is going to eradicate black ticket by creating a thiruttu VCD chain, with a syndicate affiliation to ensure 100% placement. If everyone has access to thiruttu VCD only theatre owners would go to theatres and since they know the ticket rates, they would refuse to buy black ticket. And it would be highly unlikely that a black ticket reseller would buy his own black ticket at the exaggerated price since 1) it is HIS ticket already and 2) namma oorle vare dhande padathukku ellam theatre le vikare price e too much. Of course they could still assume a split personality and buy black tickets from themselves, which would intrude upon the director’s previous movie. But since all his movies are the same, and since logic is a bad word, read on. [ This Part sponsored by naukri.com]

AliSeshan runs a chain of mamool based ‘oru-ticket-noor-rooba’ business and realizes that his line is getting crossed. Being the potta payal that he is, he merely congratulates Bals and leaves. Bals has indigestion due to oosi pona chutney and runs around trying to find a quiet spot. Three Quarters of kodambakkam with disgusting physique play the screen and audience can feel the constipation.

Bals requests Aliseshan to give him permit to take photos with his balloon kaaran camera from the cabin room. Aliseshan obviously declines because he thinks the cabin room is in ships and he gets sea sick.

Bals starts collecting slides that say ‘theatre-il-yethcai-thuppadeergal’ and ‘mun-seat-il-kaal-vaikaadeergal’ anyway by pledging his maatu vandi, maadu, Thandavarayan’s Daadi and Mokkai’s tongue. When he is almost done, Aliseshan throws a show of force and AVM Rajeshwari confiscates them as their intellectual property. Bals is left with nothing except Mokkai whom the kadankaarans refuse to take.

Aliseshan mocks Bals “enna bals, enna panna pore? IT company le vela pannuviya? Nyayama edavadhu thozhil paapiya? Ille courier boy aaviya? Adarku ellam PIN anubavam venume. Pesame na solradha kelu. Indha moserbaer VCD ellam veedu veeda poi distribute panni pozhachiko!”

Mokkai and a thoroughly shattered Bals sit at nair tea kadai, since the one outside high court won’t give kadan anymore. Bals looks at the VCD pack and throws it in the air. “Kushboo padam vizhundha Poo vazhi…. Thala (read Ajith) padam vizhundha asingha vazhi.”

Focus into the fallen CD…

“Naa Hero ille… Villain”

Asingha vazhi…

Interval

You Can be a Millionaire

April 30, 2007 at 11:17 am | Posted in bong, How To, King markiV returns | 5 Comments

(if you had a million dollars)

I am a firm believer of self-help guides. Seriously… I know most out there are flinching at these lines. But I know there lies at least one reader somewhere deep within the savanna all dressed in leaves and waiting for the rich experience and direction pointer to inner peace (try wearing an ant infested leaf and you’ll know the pleasures of inner peace!) and that is whom I target with this post- your guide to be a SELF HELPER

I wanted to write in his native hoiyaare hoiyya hoola hooo tongue, but google transliteration is yet to scale. So I settle for the next closest language of evil, uncivilized, indecent masses.

Self-help books can be classified in a million ways, the most popular of which is the classification based on requirement. However, since they all scream the same thing, classifications don’t even really matter.

The biggest stumble block is the misunderstanding of the nomenclature. Quite obviously, ‘self help’ means helping one’s self… NOT YOU. If I were to help you by writing instructions down, it certainly is not YOU helping YOURSELF (assuming you and I are different people- a very valid and highly probable assumption)! Once you open your eyes to this, you will understand the beauty of the WORLD OF SELF HELPERS.

The first is the easiest part- filling the pages. Although you COULD try this step after you decide on WHAT you actually wish to write about, it is not the least advisable, as you might easily go off track and write something that correlates. This way, people would understand what you are trying to say, and that alone is enough to kill your recurring income.

Coming to the contents, put in a great degree of philosophy. Add anecdotes and examples of popular figures like Socrates and Pliny. Do a little research to make sure these guys are dead, so they won’t question the stories you make up. If you need to write anything current, make sure its either something that happened to you (I was on the bus…), or a friend with a comfortably ambiguous first name (My friend Tim…). The best feature about the anecdote-manufacture process is that you can comfortably ‘put scene’ about the one eyed dragon you preached to during your rock climbing session up mount Everest, while Tim can always play the guy who walked into the women’s room and came out with the black eye!

Try to be the nice guy. Repeat alternate punch lines like ‘Honesty is the Best Policy’ stolen form your grandson’s kg books.

Ok, contents done. Its time to challenge Webster and Oxford. Think hard and come up with two random disconnected words. To make this easier for the scratchie at savanna- what comes to your mind when you think ‘bubble gum’ (word 1). Look out at the roads (word 2) and come up with a good permutation:
Word 1: Blue, Strawberry, Chewy, Juicy, Headache, Wrapper….
Word 2: Cow, Tramp, Cycle, Garbage….

Now work them out. Make sure there is no repetition. Chewy Garbage sounds pretty good…

This is where you choose the genre. Take a trip to the bookstore and look at which shelf is not yet bursting out already. Choose any genre. Make sure you don’t pick any of the books there and SELF HELP your competitor authors.

This is where you have to actually get creative. Make an acceptable story to fit the new word you came up with. It doesn’t matter if you sound stupid- that’s the aim.
Since the general perception is for self help books for self-something, and since you cannot write something obscene (actually you can, but not here…), pour in gallons of self-pity. Make the reader wallow in his own tears, all along reinstating that the reader is the greatest person to have ever lived, and being a no-good, disgusting piece of trash is OK.
The story should roll along the lines of you having a dead end job, sitting on a lump of garbage called life, and once you start chewing it with pleasure your entire idea bout the world would change (Chewy Garbage)
Put it up on the back cover- it’ll add to the philosophical view.

Oh yeah- now pick a name. Make it as flashy, cheap and marketable as possible.
Load it with stuff life “Think, Life, Success, Freedom, Happiness, Rich” etc which are strictly non quantifiable.

All set. Now get an equally dumb publisher, hit the streets, and now you can Think and Grow Rich.

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