Life, Logic, Fairness and being Screwed!

July 10, 2009 at 9:01 pm | Posted in bong, How To, King markiV returns, life | 8 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Before we even get started with the eulogies, let me make it clear- this is not a random rant about life and how or why my girl friend broke up with me. Nor is it about my laptop raising its body temperature to egg-boiling levels before promptly shutting off every five minutes, before I can get the eggs out of the refrigerator. Better yet, this is not the teary outburst of approximately half a year of coma. No. Though that should come about later… This, like all my other philosophical posts, is about philosophy. Let me go a step forward on that- this is the anti-philosophy of all philosophy. In the next few lines lies the absolute objective universal truth of all existence. Of God, the supernatural, luck, and everything else that we wake up praying to and go to bed cursing. Here lies Life!

But first, if you haven’t noticed, my blogging frequency at least to the untrained eye has moderately  reduced. Im not sorry… Of course that in no way implies that I did not have anything awesome to talk about- just that I forgot what.

Those that know me, occasionally, tend to think I am too much of an egoist. I do not openly disagree. Interestingly though, the past few years have given me significant chances to rework in that area. Not that I no longer hold my shield of ego within… But I have gained the ability to look at my ego as an independent entity that can make its decisions and often times take care of itself, maximizing its economic needs within the constructs of bounded rationality. Over the half a decade since I left high school my ego has been thwarted, squashed, thrown around, belittled, mocked, trodden upon, chewed, torn, slammed against the wall, politely been refused entry into discos and then some more… Of course there have been times when it has been hailed by the crowds, lifted high up in the air, admired and awarded. In most cases I try to be the true companion, motivating and cajoling over a drink when it is hurt and celebrating with a drink when it wins.

The point of argument and/ or debate is not whether such an ego is deserving. Comments in that angle that does not make the former happy will be truly moderated and such commenter, spammed.

It is just that you cannot much point fingers at that. Philosophy tells me Life has been here far longer than me and therefore is the bigger of the two. I do agree in all my humility. Where I come from the older are taught to be nicer to the younger- to give in to their whims and fancies. In which case Life here has just played the part of an adamant old oaf… An egomaniac. And such is the examples our elders are leaving behind!

They tell me life is a teacher and I must learn from the lessons taught. Well, the teachers in school probably did not have as much to say as the old guy, but at least they told us the chapters we would be tested in…  Moreover life isn’t exactly Wikipedia that I run to for a reference.

And then they tell me life is a bitch. I try not to even get imagining life as a women, probably a few hundred centuries old, wrinkled skin, evil laugh, black lipstick and tight red skirts. Yeeckk! Some bitch!

I’ve heard people say Life is a game. A game with infinite players, playing by their own rules and with no definite win, end or score. A game that does not have a season or even come with beer. I digress!

The worst I hear is when someone tells me “That’s Life”. It’s one of the few things that make me want to go up and punch them right on their nose. “No, THAT’s life”! It doesn’t even make sense- if what just happened WAS that famous Life, then people that have been looking for it all these years would have had no chance of knowing it because it just happened. Worse still, the rest of the planet and all those yet to be born are now tumbling down a definitely meaningless existence hence forth. Life has already happened. Moreover, if the person did truly believe he just found the Life that humans have been looking for (and my ex-girl friend asked me to get), shouldn’t the observer be far more excited at the discovery? And finally, even if that were indeed Life, by merely noticing it the other guy assumes himself smarter than Socrates, Pliny, Aristotle, Einstein and Steve Jobs. Which is just about arrogant because that’s me!

The point is, through the years I have heard a million odd proverbs and analogies to Life that just does not seem to conform neatly into what has become. For now, let us assume that there is a purpose to our existence. To be fair then, we must assume such a purpose exists for all of us. If we were to then build on chaos theory, then the actions of even a single person out of this purpose would break the entire equilibrium away, implying that randomness cannot be factored into existence at all. We are therefore led to believe in fate and destiny. Obviously then the concept of free will becomes irrelevant. Therefore the entire charade called life that most of us go through is part of an elaborate play written, directed and screened by God.

If that were true, then why would the nice God that created me put me through anything but a life of chocolate ice creams, booze and women dying to steal at least a glance from me? Why would he create a world where I would have to live in almost-no-internet conditions, do my own laundry, cook my own food and drink instant coffee?

As a preliminary answer, let us begin by assuming monotheism- a concept almost all major religions seem to concur about. If this God that staged these plays were the only God, he would then have to be the only audience as well. And so, just to make it a bit more interesting, twists and turns and counter plots and irreverential loops must be put in. And factor in a lot of stupidity. And more loops. A fair, balanced life just doesn’t make an interesting episode!

Either that or there really isn’t a God and these are just randomly permuted events, and humans have evolved as logical creatures out of pure chance, thereby breaking the anti-logic that created them in the first place. No fair!

And so I bring to you, after a six month sabbatical’s worth of thought- Nothing.

Advertisements

How to Fall In Love- Part 2

November 6, 2008 at 2:01 pm | Posted in bong, How To | 9 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Lesson on Prospecting….

Last weekend was truly a reality check. An awesome trip through nature, enjoying the sight of fall leaves withering,cold and dehydrated…taking pictures of them, as they fall down to the ground dead and lifeless. A beautiful sight worth romance indeed.

That was also when one of my closest friends told me he was getting married in less than a year from now. Flabbergasted. My first hit-on-the-head that my age had crossed those goofy college years was when girlfriends told me they were getting married. With others. Blame arranged marriage, but girls my age are now either too busy nursing their babies or developing them, that they are no longer on the list of prospects. Legitimate babies, mind you.

But well, Boo (name changed to protect identity) is the first guy in the group thats taken this “last step forward”. That he is also the only guy in the group with anything even mildly close to female companionship is immaterial at this point of discussion. And Im pretty sure that all the other guys are going to run in too. One has already resigned to letting the elders do the sights, and I hear his jaadhagam (astronomical grid that has the address of the bride/groom-to-be) is already on the front cover of Mylapore Maami’s Guild. Another is sifting through Bangalore hoping to reap something worthwhile, and has accepted my advice to sport the devdas look. 

Last weekend I also had the benefit of deep discussions with famous philosopher Chirayu. Yes, that’s a name. This post is, in fact, the juice of this genius discussion. Genius, primarily because he agreed with most of what I said, but Im going to go with the fact that this ingenious philosopher is older (by 6 months) and wiser (has a Masters) and therefore speaks objective truth. 

The Art of Prospecting

If you are 24, indian, male and single (and not trying), chances are you are going to be that way for a pretty long time to come. Except for the 24 part, that is. And after a point, the trying part just doesn’t matter either.

Remember that boyfried-girlfriend couple in college? The one that wasted their time going to merry-go-rounds in MGM while you headed to the TASMAC? Remember thinking about how they were wasting their young days and individualism? About how you were laughing when they told you they were going to get married the day they got out of college, just in case they ever did? Sit in a corner and cry now, moron. And then join me for another TASMAC, if you will. 

When guys are in high school and start going out with their first girl friend, they have dreams of a beautiful marriage, a house with dogs (kids are still out) and a good life ahead, By the time they get to the middle of college with their fifteenth, the thought cycle doesn’t get much beyond transplanting saliva, and hope to transfer genetic material as well. By the thirtieth its just trial and error.

Women, on the other hand, start with a trial period before maturing into a dream-angel-that-did-not-go-out-with-markiv stage (termed ‘soul’ in classic Tamil literature)*. By the time they move to the final years of college, they have it all figured out.

 

Assuming a guy and a girl are in true, eternal, divine, deiveega love, lets run a root cause. The girl could have lost hope of repeat romance and just stuck on to the trial, or experience and societal pressures could have pushed her to commitment. Obviously the optimal case for the ‘Guy’ parameter is if this were his first (and only) relationship. Ever. 

Now, guys, don’t just close your browsers already. I know your love history most likely resembles Mount Road surface after the rains, but we really got something for you too.

Now back to the analysis. I don’t really think there exists a high enough chance of a newbie guy going out with an experienced other. Riffs would erupt, egos would mount, hell would break lose. And the girl would just sign the guy off as a kid. No. That must not be. Most often it is the firsts from both dimensions that seems to work.

That brings us to our predicament- yours and mine. The next is probably not going to be your first. For the remainder of this discussion, lets assume that you, at least briefly at this point, decide to make this your last. Face it- the years are running through. Guys around have started sealing their duality. Girls your age are out. Reality!

Prospecting begins with understanding the problem. Indian girls generally get married around 24, with a threshold between 22 and 26. Familial pressure starts at around 21 and most girls give in and leave the matter to the afore mentioned mylapore maamis guild by about 23. Further most of this set would be off the candidates list by their 24th birthday.  

Most good looking girls, 24 and over, still not married either have a very high pressure tolerance or are already committed. And there is a good chance that most 23-and-over lovers end up getting married. Not due to any higher maturity here, but simply because they have far lesser time to hate each other before the marriage-age (as opposed to the good 6-8 years from early college). Not much of a chance here.

And if a girl looks good and has been warding off the pressures at home, despite being single enough, there is a good chance she has been getting a lot of RFPs (request for proposal, you non IT nits!). And if she still remains single, chances of you going out with her are pretty low. Especially for someone who has to read blog posts on How to Fall in Love!

But the bright side is, women tend to know that guys would tend to know that if they (girls) were single at 24 the chances of a guy asking them out is pretty low (due to the afore mentioned). That makes them more desperate at a threshold age of realization. I would ball park this at around 22-23. 

There you go- find a beautiful, single, non-pressurized-but-likely-to-be, indian girl and time your RFP to the threshold age. Oh and did I mention smart? In case that leaks out (and that is a good thing) just make sure she understands the “Guess 2/3 of the Average Game”**.

Note: If you are 26 or older the game’s up for you old pal. Trust the Mylai Maamis. 

PS: If you are a girl and think you satisfy the good looking part please do send me an offliner. The Mylapore Maamis have it against me ever since I wrote this!

Claimers and Otherwise:

*- One may assume that some women, most women or all women jump over this stage, depending on the amount of feminist one assumes oneself to be. 

**- In case you are too tired to read through, this is a game in which each player’s move is his best strategy, based on his assumption of what the other players would pull. Like speculation in the stock markets. 

The Art and Science of Argumentation

October 30, 2008 at 2:15 pm | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 4 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 ‘Conversation, indeed!’ said the Rocket. ‘You have talked the whole time yourself. That is not conversation.’ 

     ‘Somebody must listen,’ answered the Frog, ‘and I like to do all the talking myself. It saves time, and prevents arguments.’ 

     ‘But I like arguments,’ said the Rocket. 
     ‘I hope not,’ said the Frog complacently. ‘Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everybody in good society holds exactly the same opinions. ‘

 

 – Oscar WIlde, The Remarkable Rocket.

I, for one, am a true lover of arguments. In fact I see no reason why one wouldn’t.  There isn’t a better source of entertainment in all of mankind. Except romance perhaps. Now that is a topic worth arguing!

Plus all the addition to your knowledge bank than a smart enough argument brings in. Existence of God, the correctness of terrorists, international politics, movies, attitudes, love… That is the beauty of an argument- you don’t have to necessarily believe in your stance. Just take one and break the opponent. Quite obviously, one does not have sufficient data in an argument. Of course I cannot prove the existence, nor inexistence of God. If I did, I would either start a religion or a political party. The point being, in an argument one is fielded with insufficient data, left to percolate through one’s rationale and perspectives to build a sufficient justification to one’s stance.

Now, a debate is different. By definition, in a debate both participants have pretty much the same amount of data available and therefore the subject matter is merely interpretation. On the contrary, in an argument, the arguer’s objective is to surprise the arguee with new data. The edge could be in the arguer’s capability to obtain some knowledge that the arguee has not yet received, new or old. Often times, however, both participants know sufficiently low enough information on the subject that the breaking flash is from information quite not related to the question at hand. No- I am not talking about the Palin types.

The greatest source of inspiration for bringing this indisputable unrelated data to the current argument table comes from social networking- specifically the six degrees of separation. Simply said, you should be able to connect any two random people in this universe (in fact any two events, incidents or things) in approximately six steps. There are different ways of doing this. Let me explain with a worked out example using the “same community” theory. 

The basis of this theory is to figure out how two people would know eacho other, assuming people in the same community would know one another.

For example, lets try and connect the tamil legend MGR, to, say, Michael Dell.

1. MGR’s grave is in Marina (Anna Square area)- which makes him part of the famous people at Marina Beach Community

2. Paul Dinakaran, the famous christian evangalist would be part of this communtiy as well, since this was his landing stage for most part.

3. Guy Kawasakhi and Paul Dinakaran would be part of the Evangalists community (Guy was the Apple evangalist in the 80s).

4. Steve Jobs and Guy Kawasakhi would obviously be in the Apple community.

5. Quite obviously Michael Dell and Jobs would be part of the “Will My Start-Up survive as long as I do?” community.

There you go.

I am pretty sure that if you only gave it a good enough thought you could connect any two random people- living, dead or in a doctorate program. 

Let me give you another one. Now try to link up Ramadoss and Jackie Chan. 

1. Ramadoss is part of the “I-know-supporting-LTTE-would-get-me-votes-but-Id-have-to-give-up-my-ministerial-seats” community, sitting right next to Karunanidhi.

2. Karunanidhi is part of the “Used-to-be-in-movies” community, along with Danush (he joined it after Pudhupettai, his only 3 on-screen hours worth classifying as a movie).

3. Danush and Jet Li are part of the “i-look-like-bruce-li-so-i-probably-am-him” community

4. Finally, Jet Li and Jackie Chan are the only surviving members in the “shit-when-is-the-next-flight-from-hollywood-to-china” community.

I could really go on, but thats not what this post is about. Try out the six degrees experiment for yourself- it could be a lot of fun!

Coming back to argumentation, the next skill set is placing a well defended premise aroung the argument.

Lets take the now all-so-frequent economy arguments. Since the arguee would most often take the offensive, punishing the economy for their lack of foresight, you would be left with having to defend the genius of the economists. Since that pretty much allows very little space for well fielded points, a smart enough arguer would move to reductio ad absurdum- reduction to the absurd.

Perhaps I hold reliable data about the prevalence of Aids amongst south Asians. Which makes south Asian markets unstable due to diseases. Since the whole of Wall Street except for the occassional “made in China” computers and “made in Bangladesh” suits beats by the pulse of south Asian markets, a troubled socio economic condition there would obviously carry its effect here. Moreover, the economists had nothing whatsoever to do with the prevalence of Aids in South Asia since they are mostly overworked and often impotent. So there.

Another tactic that I often use is called the slippery slope. Here instead of a premise backing up the argument with data, a number of logical effects are built over the causal argument, resulting in a catastrophic result.

For example, lets run through the argument of two neutral voters- one favouring Obama and the other McCain (yes, they exist). Just for discussion, let us assume that the voters are not fanatics (you must see this city!) and therefore not initially biased against the other. Under the given conditions, the McCain voter votes for McCain, and presumably McCain wins- whatever the reason (rigging, racial bias, high voter turnout, rationality and the likes). The not-so-logical majority would, however, assume the result to be a case of rigging. The country has endured a non-democratic election once and probably wouldn’t a second time, resulting in rioting, picketing and internal conflicts. This would further the already sinking economy to rock bottom, carrying down with it emerging pro-capitalist countries. That leaves us with the Chinese as a superpower. Imagine having Tofu and Springrolls as a global cuisine.

Thus voting for McCain would result in having to eat spicy Tofu for the rest of our lives… With chop sticks! 

 

 

I have finally invested in a domain for myself: http://vikki.me

I will, as frequently as I choose to, blog at http://vikki.me/blog starting my birthday (so I can keep count of the timeline and stuff; plus it helps my ego!). I hope to make that site a collection of marketing stuff- thoughts, ideas, plans and results, obviously with my theories as well. However this space would go on for a bit longer. I hope to continue mainstream randomness, Reena posts and the likes here.

If you do know my birthday, please check vikki.me then. If you don’t, open the site everyday and keep refreshing it every twenty seconds until I throw an announcement.

P.S

How to Fall in Love….

October 17, 2008 at 4:50 pm | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 6 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have decided to write. I have been wanting to for a while now. No, not just on this blog. The irregularity here, I have pretty much consoled myself to.  Perhaps even reconciled to the inability, googling and wiki-ing writer’s block and a thousand other phrases that could merely justify my lack of initiative.

I have even been talking about moving to my own domain. I don’t know why. From the looks of it, even the ownership of this space, with its sporadic posts, most of whose quality no longer impresses my sophisticated clientele of two, is a bit too off target. I either need newer ideas, which aren’t coming in, or newer clientele, that aren’t thronging either! Then again, I have the cash, and everybody with any internet knowledge and cash are buying their own domains. So Im just going to get mine and justify the venture to myself with the claim that it would at least suffice as an address when I get into doing what I eventually should be doing- making more money.

Anyway, this post is not even about any of that. This is a post that I have been wanting to write, perhaps even before the launch of my first blog ever (I have subsequently had three before this one, all killed due to illness, disease, old age and bad frequency).

No, its not the average run-off-the-mill How-To post. I can pretty much throw a guarantee that an honest following of the directions below would find you in truest of true love. If you don’t I’ll give you back every penny you paid for this advice right here.

Quite obviously, those in true love would never even think of commoditizing their apparent pot of gold, while those outside would ideally not be advice-worthy. Therefore the great responsibility comes down to me, the knowledgeable, wise and good. And since the knowledgeable, wise and good are currently working on Open-Source G-Phones, its my word against yours. And the comments are moderated.

For starters, let’s begin with a basic defenition I would be using in a greater part of this post, and any follow ups if my end button starts working again (got pulled out during a game a couple of weeks back and though I don’t really much ever used the key, the difference is kind of distracting). The concept of singularity and duality. 

Any sixth grader would know that these glorious words take roots in advanced particle physics. Science, maths, philosophy, Swamy and a bunch of other documented crap would go great depths to bring in the various absolute, relative, objective, subjective views of these concepts. And to give them theri fair credit, their contribution has been to the greater good of mankind- you and me. Actually, it hasn’t….

But well, the meaning should be pretty obvious. Singularity is a status of single-ness, a term used to define one’s inability to impress a girl, and further cover it up with excuses of quality, attitude and preference. Duality refers to the status of non-singularity, marked by the existence of a single person in two states- the boyfriend and the girlfriend.

The uncertainity theory clearly states that it is impossible to claim, with 100% confidence both the state and level of desperation of a person. That is, the surer we are about our percieved singularity or duality, the less certain we will be about our level of desperation. Therefore, the truly single or dual person tend to live in ignorance of their own despo status until external realization dawns in, muddling the clarity in their status.Further, extreme duality may be associated with a nagging sense of foreboding, and a total loss of individualism. The terms could further be extrapolated to single-dom, though a specific dual-dom does not exist.

The concept of existing in more than two states, wherein a single boyfriend can peacefully co-exist with more than one woman is laughably negligible since peacefully and co-exist are impossible assumptions in the subject matter of two girls. In similar light, since multiple boyfriends tied to a single girl break the very purpose of a girlfirend- to break any form of intra male communication channels, this again is not a case worth consideration.

Now that we got that cleared, this post is a guide to move from singularity to duality. I do not endorse the move, however. Nor do I oppose it. In fact I understand the pains of either side pretty simply put.

Let us analyze the case of singularity here. I go as much to put forth the hypothesis that singularity is often not a field of choice. If you are living a solo, pathetic life with no one to call to on those boring evenings, sitting around commenting on the hours your not-so-single friends spend on the phone, and getting unwarranted “How To”s from every tom, DICK and hairy, especially female dicks and hairy’s, I don’t really believe you are enjoying those glorious moments. I know you yearn to have a beautiful tamil-movie-love that brings joy to your existence. I know it sounds like a sad life. That’s probably because it is. And its not even worth a debate- I say so!

On the other side, if your life consists of hours listening intently to meaningless gibberish on the phone while your “free” friends are having a riot commenting around, bound by having to make those incessant phone calls every few hours and pretty much have a tied down life with neither time, nor patience, nor energy, nor the independence to do what you would logically assume to be greater pleasures of being a man, that couldn’t really be much fun either. Since logical people would not take this upon themselves, one would be motivated to claim that duality, therefore, is not a field of choice either. However, since we are talking about the romantics here, the assumption of logic in the previous line does break down.

The point being- love is a field of choice. It probably does happen miraculously when you bump into the perfect one across the library or when you thrash the bunch of assholes who were throwing sexist comments in her vicinity. There again, the assumption of “perfect one” is quite questionable. Moreover, I wouldn’t presume the average reader around here (direct and those who google for stuff like this”) to have ever walked around a library, let alone beat up meanies. In fact I could quite safely assume you’d be amongst the guys making those sexist comments.

No. I hate to break your heart. But “Love through Accident” is not for you. Don’t get disillusioned by taking the accident part too literal. You’d rather have an auto guy put you in that hospital and that humungous middle aged mallu nurse aunty at Best Hospitals sew those cuts than a hot babe that looks down and goes “achachooo”.

No my friend. The only way to break the single barrier is through strategizing. Through careful planning. Contigencies. Deep thought. More strategizing. Generous donations to my paypal.

The first step in your elaborate plan-de-plan (anything to do with plans, secrecy or love have to be French. Anything with a “de” in the middle becomes French!) is to define the viewpoint. I have observed successful relationships over the years, success defined merely by the ability to coexist in the same room with less than three attempts to murder in one hour. In general, the plan-de-plan takes one of two decisive game plans. The cockroach plan and the mosquito plan. While both have their obvious advantages, the use of either technique is completely an individual choice.

The planning phase, which pretty much consists of identifying the path to be taken and the initial prospecting, is fairly common. At the end of this phase however, the experienced player should be able to determine the mode of operation to get started with the conquest of love since each mode takes drastically different approaches to this issue.

The Cockroach Plan: A sumptuous dinner waiting on the table. Another cup for the coffee. And who must you find waiting on the sink’s edge?

The best, and possibly the most satisfying solution cockroaches is to strike them multiple times, between their second leg and the mean distance between the third and end-of-body point. Of course the trusty broom would do just as good- breaking their body into unidentifiable pieces and throwing them around for other roaches to eat, therefore pushing them towards a degeneration of their moral fibre, decadence and an eventual destruction of the roach civilization.

The cockroach plan takes a pretty similar view point. Strike with minimal resources, but strike fast and efficient before the victim (love-ee) has a chance to realize.

The Mosquito Plan: Ever so gently as you drift into the glorious semi-dream pre-sleep state, sinking back into the soft comforts of your bed, the covers thrown lazily over your torso, imagine that irritating whistle as the most elusive of beasts flies by.

Waking up and trying to kill that mosquito would not generally have the same effect. You could shoo-shoo them all night and still they would have gotten enough of your blood to donate to Hindu Mission Hospital. And the whistle would continue. The mosquito-way involves technology. Procurement. Your sleep is pretty much ruled out tonight, but tomorrow could be secured with the mats and coils and creams and sprays. The pleasures of watching those flying dingbats get drowsy and fall off as you drift into peaceful sleep, inhaling more monoxides than you would care is in itself worth last night’s bite.

An important note here is that the mosquito plan requires a more detailed plan than merely point-and-shoot. It requires the investment of time and capital. A slow diffusion of thought. However, the mosquito plan is generally more workable than the cockroach plan. Especially because there is a lesser chance of you coming out looking stupid if the plan bombs.

Now, now, don’t jump in yet. This is merely the tip of the iceberg of an elaborate thesis. Yes, my friend. You can fall in love too. Or at least hope to. May be not, but then, that’s just you.

 

P.S.: I hope to put up a follow through post. Sometime.

P.P.S.: I am also getting married to the girl I have been in love with for over nine years now. 

P.P.P.S.: No, Im not really, but that’ll teach you not to waste time around post scripts.

S.E.X. Evolution, Chance and Boredom

July 1, 2008 at 10:57 am | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 3 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ah, finally! It feels good to be back..

It is no big mystery that one of the greatest pursuits of all life forms is to create more progeny. Not just progeny, but more progeny. Fruits, nuts, diets, Marthubootham et al to the rescue. Assuming that the average blog reader has at least sufficient providence for food, shelter and clothing (which in the IT sense means a monthly pass at the Andhra mess, an underground hole in Bangalore and a ragged pair of Tees and jeans bought during the iron ages and washed just about then), that fatal three letter word does crop up one way or the other.

Id love to make this a “How To”, with strategies, tips and tricks that could help you create more of your kind with minimal effort right here, but for now Id just stop short and recommend you wait till human cloning gets a pass in congress.

However I’m sure most must have at least in passing envied the not-so-evolved kinds that abound the planet. Considering the effort involved in finding and impressing a mate, falling in love, meeting the parents, getting raised eyebrows from “Uncle”, tying the knot, getting more raised eyebrows from the “Uncle”, disclosing savings that scratch the bottom of the vault and more embarrassing Uncle-talks, not to mention the initial effort in buying coffee, wearing washed/ pressed clothes, buying food, buying a car, buying a house, and often times finding a day job, the life of a dog does look impressive. One month a year with all the babes you can get on that street before you run in to the next. [For further info on Dogs and Territorial markings read here]

But give it a deeper thought. Think of your daily schedule as a mutt. Wake up early, howl and take a leak. Wait till the morning garbage is deposited and fish around the box for a light morning breakfast. No brushing, no shower, no shave. Just plunge right in. Wait for the hopeless IT folks to punch their time in and get out for their morning tea and smokes. Throw the hungry dog expression and get some butter biscuits- coconut ones if you are lucky. After all these guys do make pretty good money! Continue with a good sleep on a drying puddle, chase the tail, bark at random moving things, have a voice hunt with the other local dogs, more biscuits, bark, chase, garbage, sleep, and finish it off with another howling contest. Really not much to do. And you thought typing code, reading blogs and refreshing your orkut every few minutes for new scraps was boring. Obviously the number of dogs on the streets is a strictly increasing function over time.

Pigs are even worse. Wise scientists have discovered that pigs have thirty minute orgasms. That’s a half goddamn hour- the average duration of a megaserial. And I don’t think they allow commercial breaks while at it. Envy? Try to fit it in your life. No multitasking while watching FRIENDS (the sitcom you pervert!).

Not that it gets any better as you travel down the evolutionary chain. If you were amongst most aves, a friendly kiss could end you up with Bird Jr. In fact a perfect nuptial setting for a peacock would be to throw a solo dance pathetic enough to drop a few tears and let the hen chew up the eye drops later on. Sexy eyes as literal as can be!

Oh but it gets even worse. If you were a frog all you’d have to do is shoot your gametes in open water and get your kids from the unlucky passing missus. You don’t even have to worry if its yours- after all they all look just the same, and tadpoles don’t even look like frogs. If darts are your skill, this is one life form I’d suggest. No dates, no moonlight dinners, no rental tuxedos and stretch limos. Just point-and-shoot!

And lets not even get started with the trees. Beating eye lashes and betting my hard made genetic material on an insect that gets squashed on truck windshields isn’t my kind of romance. But that’s just me!

Of course right at the end of the line the amoeba and likes do pike my interest. But then again, the prospect of making a mirror of myself every time I eat a heavy enough lunch doesn’t sound like too much fun either. And moreover, doesn’t that get us back to the cloning issues?

How to Be a Faker

April 8, 2008 at 10:44 am | Posted in bong, How To, King markiV returns | 9 Comments
Tags: , , , , , ,

After close to two months of being ‘Blog-Dead’, I come up with something that the world could probably live without. Santhosh made a futile push at breathing life with an absolutely boring tag. And since the tag was downright boring, I let it pass. But some day I might use it as an excuse to revive my space, Santhosh. Some day…

Back to the topic here- Fake Smiles. You see them all the time. Meet that school mate who used to drool over your text books? Rushed by the horde of middle aged random people at the cousin’s wedding? Or just signing the cheque at that overpriced eat-out? Its always there. That stretch of the lips that try to say ‘I’m really happy this happened’ but actually scream ‘LOSER’.

And in this world of tradition and niceties learning to be fake is just as important. Quite obviously each smile is unique in its own way. And it goes far beyond just a smile. This post would therefore aim to be a text book on ‘How to Be Fake’, how to handle the pressures it carries, and primarily deal with the process of being fake, further extending into the psychological and philosophical connotations it carries. I have, for the benefit of the practitioner, given a few popular example cases to begin with. However the reader must understand that a complete explanation of all the scenarios involved is beyond the scope of this post.

The first thing that any fake artist must learn is that the aim is not deceit. Most people make out the ‘fakeness’ and feel extremely satisfied that they have broken the ‘fakers’ mask. What they fail to understand is that this is exactly what the faker wants. When you give a fake smile followed by a ‘So nice to see you’ line to that old colleague you hate, you are trying to tell him ‘I hate you and hope you get run over by a truck in the next 2 minutes’. Being fake lets you dispel your thoughts under the blanket of societal decency.

The first and most common faking is with relatives at big family weddings (The stimulus for this post). Girls are experts at this game. This basic game is called ‘Give it Back’. Simply throw a plastered smile on anyone who even makes a chance eye contact. Make sure your eyes are either drugged myopic or strictly unfocused. If you’re practiced enough you could even avoid conversation. Once you notice a return smile quickly turn your focus and try to get as far away from your current position as possible. In the inevitable scene of a conversation try to say something as unintelligent as ‘aathule ellarum sowkyama’ (has your family population decreased since ‘time= n-1’?). Steer clear of any questions relating to their children or children there of. Unless of course you wish to be entertained with stories about how naughty their grand child is or the GRE score of their third daughter who just finished B.E from SVCE.

Another common situation we find ourselves in is chance meetings. Old school mates, colleagues, ex girl friends… Simply put, anybody you would rather not meet on the road. Since decency states that once seen you should make conversation, try to act like you did not see them in the first place. But once caught in the act, the next game you should learn is one called ‘Absolute Mania’. Here all you have to do is make a reason for not opening conversation. Something as simple as ‘Dai, neeya? Adayaalame theriyale da’ (Is this you? I could hardly identify!). Spice it up with a lot of foul language and make it sound natural in excitement (O*** its been such a f***ing long time. How the f*** have you been!). Chances are he/she is around with some respectable person and would want to break away from you as soon as possible. If even that doesn’t work, create a purpose for your existence and use that as an excuse to leave. Remember to take his/her number instead of giving yours and tell them you’d send them your number asap. Don’t.

Professional fakers however are not merely escape artists. Its their line to create situations, start the thread of conversation, accelerate gossip and in general add to the general idiocity of any status gathering. That given, once an interested reader has proven proficiency in the basic games above and their variants, he is ready to move to the next phase- the Fake Ninja.

A fake ninja, like a not-so-fake-ninja lives by the attack-and-escape tactic. A plastered smile is most often sufficient to join any ad-hoc group of maamis and hear in on their discussions. The ninja is always ready for any information and absorbs them for future use. Maamis would ideally be too engrossed in their vambu to even notice a dinosaur, let alone a fake ninja.

Once sufficient knowledge has been obtained it is the task of the fake ninja to dispel this knowledge to other groups of maamis and create political rivalries. At this point the ninja may choose to take sides but the author strictly advices against that in lieu of passing into the next stage.

The final success of a faker is an upgrade to the fake virus status. This might take a few weeks, or perhaps even years of careful practice but most fakers are able to do this in a few hours. At this time the artist simply uses the acquired knowledge from previous maami discussions to string series of people and make them feel totally out of place by pouring them with fake smiles. In cases of extreme age differences or sexual similarities unwarranted hugs and kisses might be used. This may sometimes be a little out of place, but isn’t that the purpose of being fake!

PS: I know my post scripts are in general more popular than my actual posts but if all you can comment lies in this one sentence I’m going to have to redirect all my disclaimers to the actual posts!

PPS: Darn! WordPress doesn’t allow that!

How to Ask Her Out

February 18, 2008 at 6:54 am | Posted in How To, work | 9 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

…And not come out looking stupid!

 

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s really wanted…

If you love a woman, tell her that she’s the one…

She needs somebody to tell her that its gonna last forever…

Tell me if you ever really, really really ever loved a woman…

Actually don’t tell me. But then again…

I was watching this show on Channel V the other day called ‘Webcam Goddess’. Well, it really sounded like some porn flick so I didn’t risk surfing off.
Anyway, it turns out to be a show where you send in queries regarding your love life and the hostess gives you ingenious solutions to it. I puked only thrice!

My favorite was this guy from someplace up north.

‘Dear Goddess,

I am really close to this girl and of late have started really liking her. I know she likes me too, from the way she sees me with the corner of her eye and the way she touches her hair. But I’m really scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Northie-not-killed-in-mumbai’

For which the apparent love doc hostess says he should send her ‘beautiful’ bouquets for like a week, and then write down an anonymous letter telling her how much he loves her. And she would definitely reply if she had those feelings too. Definitely. If she does send in a reply to an anonymous letter, she sure is dumb enough to love!

Not that I’m the God of these matters or so, but I seem to know as much to understand that not only is the trick not going to work, but the girl is going to think he’s gay, which means all her friends, associates and acquaintances are struck off the list as well!

So I just thought I should do my little to the ignorant world of never-been-non-singular men, and i-think-i-found-love women by throwing in a bit of experiential advice.

First thing, if you are in the same boat as the northie guy, make sure the girl isn’t looking through the corner of her eye because of some opthal issues. Love and squint eyes can have fairly misleading symptoms. Second, there’s this strange corner-eye ‘wtf’ reaction that could be interpreted in a million ways, so just run a quick self check: odor, zipper, flipper, rips, color combos and the likes…

Next, if she’s brushing her hair a lot, she’s probably got an itch. Which is probably contagious. So if you don’t imagine a lovely honey moon where you pick the lies of each other’s scalps, move to the next.

Now if it finally comes down to asking her out, don’t expose her to flowers, money or the likes. If it doesn’t work out, it’s a useless investment. If it does, she’s going to expect more everytime!

And now, finally, the advice! Coming out without IDIOT written all over the face can be quite risky. And the tricks are never fail-proof. So you need good basic-psychology knowledge. Women are at a totally different plane when it comes to sense of humor. Ideally, if you can’t find the niche, move over to more serious stuff. It doesn’t have to be good or even true. Just say it.

One of the biggest, surest and probably the oldest tricks in the book is the ‘bad-guy’ game. Drill into her the knowledge that you are an evil, twisted bad, bad, bad guy. I tried the villain laugh as well, but it didn’t work for me. Maybe it would, for you. Now when she’s convinced you are the Satan himself, be yourself and do the stuff you normally would. Now despite being the cheap, conceited, uninterested guy that you are, you put yourself on the highest pedestal of nice on the relative scale. Thank you, Mr. Einstein.

When people were not really interested in buying a luxury car made by a cheap manufacturer, Lexus came out with the test drive initiative. And that has proven to be one of the best marketing pitches ever. Joke about being in a relationship. Put it into her head. Make her think of the life ahead. Demo boy-friend ver1.0… Or even better- try for a beta release (alpha-beta ‘beta’ you use in software, not the hindi one!)

Given your stature of having to read through a blog for love advice, I wouldn’t believe these techniques would work for you. But in case there be some misinterpretation and you do eventually lose your singularity, may all hell break lose. Live a lie!

Claimer:
The stunts mentioned above have been tried by experts. Don’t try this at home. Markiv and his Kootaalingal do not take any responsibility from loss to life, property or marital status arising from the above.

If you are a girl reading through this, I have neither knowledge nor experience in these games and they have been written by a totally different person purely for entertainment purposes.


The Weakest Amoeba

February 10, 2008 at 6:46 pm | Posted in bong, How To | 8 Comments
Tags: , , ,

Let me cut directly to the point here. I wrote this in a heightened state of awareness so most of whats here doesn’t make sense even to my otherwise sober self. Apparently the higher level of certain chemicals in my blood throws my purpose to propose break through scientific theories into high gear. Even if they are not really break through. And even if they have already been proposed.

OK. Before I even start, there are at least of a couple of assumptions that you would have to consider.

Primarily I consider Natural selection and Random Mutation to be correct. There are of course others like Intelligent Creation, which has not yet been fully accepted by the scientific community or Genesis, which has not been accepted by anyone except the pope.

I also assume the philosophy that change is not a choice of comfort but rather a forced adaption. Therefore you would really not be motivated to launder that pair of jeans until that ketchup stain has started decomposing and sending off methane and stuff.

Right from the start, when sperm cells were actual living organisms (the amoeba- paramecium era), there must have been a few guys who weren’t as adept as the others in making a good living. By random mutations, these guys would have been the weaker guys in the group unable to live happy amongst the stronger amoebae. Obviously the first few days would have seen a lot of weaker deader amoebas lying on the floor. But eventually these guys would have formed a kind of socialism between their kind to ensure a fairer competition. The first multi-cellular organisms, my friends, and the beginning of communism!

As we go on, these team-worked multi-cellular communist guys would have gained a greater power than the fascist singles at some point, and become the de facto mechanism. The progression of some of these guys into the first plants makes sense as well. Of course there could have been some that could neither get its food the sun-light way, not use the previous techniques. I assume this would have led to a primitive cannibalism where the stronger group of a few multi-cellular guys could have had to eat their step cousins for a living. I bring to you, Animals… and Basic Capitalism 1.0!

Further on, lets take the jump to the great grandfather of you and the chimpanzee. Some of these guys would have been great jumpers and loved to be that way. But the other not-so-good jumper guys would be driven to live in smaller groups on the ground simply because they have to, what with all those lions, tigers, Raj Thakreys and other predators running around. Groups would need administration. Even amongst these groups, there would be those incapable of physical strains and toils. For their survival they would need to subjugate and utilize the physical labor of their neighbors. Slavery and humanoids have always been famous in Africa. With eventual run-aways and revolts of the now ‘weaker’ slaves, a few would have ventured out of their natural habitat by force. And this probably predates Moses, but who are we to question the texts of Gods. In unknown territory, these guys would have invented primitive tools such as crude rocks to frighten and kill…. Usually other animals… Except Fridays in ancient China…

Purely because of the incapacity of the inventors to take the ‘normal’ path, this could have progressed into other cheaper primitive technology, such as shaped stones, bronze and iron, the wheel, Woodworks’ Grate Water and Mahindra Renault Logan. Not necessarily in that order.

Even in later history, it was the inability of the Spanish to live in their own land’s resources that sent them to conquer the world. Inability, my friends. That’s what causes evolution. It is not the strongest amoeba that went on to evolve and work with Intel duo core processors today, but rather the not-so-able Ramdoss. Simply because of his advantage of being a not-so-good amoeba. [Edit: Here we quote Ramdoss as the icon of tamil-ness, and further his technical prowess as well]

I present to you, and perhaps forward it to the Nature and Evolution Journals. It is not the strongest individual that goes up the evolution ladder, but rather the weaker group. In short, I theorize that evolution is a result of the desire for groups of weaker guys to survive and therefore serendipitously invent an easier way of living.

In the aspect of history and economics, I bring to light that but for Karl Marx, Communism and probably CPI(M) we would all have had to resort to binary fission during first-night scenes.

I also wish to reinstate that you are now reading this blog simply because you once sucked as an amoeba, a fungus, a proto-plant, an ant, a goat, a tiger, a chimpanzee and a South African, in that order.

PS: I am super drunk now and I’m writing this to see how hilarious I sound when I drink alone.

PPS: This theory probably exists and therefore my Nobel prize snatched away, but you know I did not know that the theory, which if it exists, I do not as of this moment know of.

PPPS: Stop reading my disclaimers and read the stuff above.

PPPPS: OK. That wasn’t all that random. Infact it even makes sense! I must start watching more KTV!

How to woo a lady part 2

October 19, 2007 at 11:00 am | Posted in bong, How To | 6 Comments
– Bowling a maiden over….

The cricket fever is running high again. You know its happening every time kids choose to play with pads and crushed paper balls, when all small talk gets skillfully crafted towards Steve Wazzisname’s glorious whatever against whoever, whenever… But you might as well know its taken over when you see a greater crowd outside Vivek and Co than near the closest tea shop…

Cricket, as most would willingly testify, is not just a game of skill, dexterity or predictability. Especially in our country where it is neither. With a billion hearts tied close and dear, cricket often passes as the romantic passion of the masses.

Being as far away from the sports grounds in school as logic would permit enabled me to be highly ignorant of the daily nuances of the holy eleven. After all, a stick trying to defend three other sticks from a sphere is not something I would tax my intellect with.

The greater realities of life came to the fore only much later. Nerds and geeks suddenly lost the battle against the jocks. My more ‘sportive’ friends woke up to the admiration of beautiful damsels in distress. If they were your Sachins and Laras I would have gladly taken the punch in good humor. Sadly the few I talk about here could not swallow the surge of flash lights.

Being chivalrous sportsmen, our heroes in the making assumed life ‘made’ with a good century to back them up and a gorgeous classmate to cheer. Unfortunately, women, being what they are, eventually got bored of sitting in the heat all day only to be welcomed by a sweaty, arrogant boyfriend. Now, our guys may massacre speed-of-light balls but the powerful arguments of a woman, without premise, statistics or data to back a conclusion requires a stronger mind. The naive stars on the field could not rise to such concentrated levels of idiosyncrasy and started getting confused about where to defend their stick and where to stick their defenses.

It was at least a couple more years before the tides began to shift back to us, but the experience taught me an important life-lesson: You may bowl a maiden over, but the game is over if you can’t play a silly point.

How to woo a lady part 1

October 3, 2007 at 9:04 am | Posted in bong, How To | 9 Comments

– an idiot’s guide to understanding women

Having a girl friend is, in a lot of ways, like bungee jumping. Everyone thinks its super cool, but when you are at it all you want is to get out alive. That said, it is rather highly unfortunate that as the cultural catalysts for over half a century now, Bollywood has given our masses a difficult benchmark to follow. Single, aggressive and angry Amithabs have silently been replaced with talkative, flirting and charming Shah Rukhs. And overnight the aloof silent singledom has become a symbol of pity.

But fear not readers, for in just a few lines that follow you will have the key to understanding a woman’s head, realize her wants and understand her thoughts. And that exact moment you would wish you never payed for this internet connection that has, with this post, pushed you into a lifelong contemplation bordering suicide, penance and lunacy.

But since you have come so far, let me give you a talisman on how relationships work. If you have ever wondered why the woman of your dreams looks instead at that rugged looking no-good rowdy down the street, you are already on the right track.

Women are pre-programmed with an intrinsic want to do good. Over that is an impregnable layer of an infallible ethical system. Crafted across this are the two most vital components of the woman’s brain- the screamer and the road-decomprehender. With so many interrelated components, each with its share of complexity, it is no wonder that the system as a whole comes up with just a couple of minor glitches. Therefore the woman ideally assumes it her divine task to turn the world around. She would complain about the use of plastics as she bites off that chocolate, use the more expensive and labor intensive recycled paper, scream at errant drivers on roads, set a model to prevent sunburn by dressing up Taliban style, and save all her used tissues and wrappers so as to help make a greener planet. Useless facts such as nuclear treaties, war, global warming or that recycled paper uses more in chemicals and raw materials than new paper hardly ever matter to her.

Now it is this inherent need to cleanse the society of evils that draws her to villains and axe murderers. A woman thinks it is her responsibility to purify her ‘victim’ by love. A delirious state governed by states of change and credit cards.

It is at this part of the relationship that the boyfriend quits smoking, drinking, flirting, eating, riding and breathing, while the girl on her part quits calling and going out with him. A woman needs a challenge. She needs something to change. Once the guy becomes perfect, her challenge is over. Some women may look for more things to change- the dressing styles or eating habits. And the ideal woman can constantly complain and feed her survival. The few that do not strictly fall into this median category move to greater villains to satiate their smarten attire. Of course, an intelligent woman may accept the lack of change as the greater truth in life and live with contentment, showering happiness across all she sees. But since every reader here knows that an intelligent woman is a biological anomaly, I suggest you shoot her thrice on the head if you ever encounter one.

Next Page »

Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.