Death of Paranoia

November 24, 2008 at 1:50 pm | Posted in bong, life | Leave a comment
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The darkness is closing in. I can feel it. Today must be the day… I have been waiting for this moment for days now… Years… Scared, careful, nervous… I run down the silent lanes, trying to hide between the shadows. Why did I ever leave the crowds? Surely that would have been safer.

I turn around now, hoping to see him. I have never had much of a glance, but I know he is in there. I can feel him eyeing me, always ready to pounce on a moment of weakness. I must know. After all, I have known this dread since I was ten. Perhaps earlier, but I couldn’t remember.

Yes. Between talking to friends in the group, while walking back home, on the drive. I have felt him all the time… It has struck me at times that the imposter could perhaps be disguised as a true friend in the group. One could never be as careful. Groping around in the dark, searching for that tinge of vested interest. For in the dynamics of the world today, one can be destroyed in ways far more devastating than the bullet.

I am sure I have heard his footsteps following me. A talented agent, he sure is, but even the smartest make mistakes. Yet his greatness is in covering his steps just as quickly, ever ready to be driven back to alertness. And one must give some leeway for the patience through over two decades… Like a shadow… A masked terror of death that I still cannot but awe…

My pace gets quicker. I can feel his breath on my side. I have tried confiding the truth to apparent friends in moments of drunken trust. I have been certified paranoid, to the extent of doubting my own sanity. But it is only the truth.

I can trust no one. Not the silence of darkness, nor the crowds of murderers. I can sense the plan in motion. Time is closing in. The predator is tired of the wait. I must start running again. And this time, only faster…

The pain of the bullet is now sinking in. Suddenly I feel no more pain. I smile at my genius flip over the enemy’s guard. Unexpected, I tell myself. The feeling of cold steel burning in my flesh. I drop the knife from my hand. I have beat him at last. I have made his years of chase futile.

I stop. There is no one following me. The world is not out to get me. The crowds are running, late to work. No one seems to care for that bleeding victim. No time for another lunatic. I see the crowds, still about in a blur of red and black.

Perhaps I was truly paranoid all my life. Perhaps there was no one to begin with. Perhaps the enemy never felt me that important.

Insulted and unimportant the corpse falls into the dark lonely side street. A mere corpse.

Of Years, Days and Time(s)…

November 12, 2008 at 8:40 pm | Posted in bong, King markiV returns | 4 Comments
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It must have been about this time last year. I guess it must have because my birthdays so far have been fairly consistent in date and time. Frowning at the mokkai already? No wait, don’t close the browsers or start typing that “Happy Birthday” comment right away!

If there is one thing I really adore about my birthdays, other than the fact that I was born on that day and time, is that they are highly predictable, repeatable and fairly consistent. Love it or hate it, but wake up on the morning of the thirteenth day of the eleventh month, year after year, every year (after the mid 80s), and you can be fairly assured that its my birthday.

Well, not anymore. Longitudes, time zones and the presidential elections to blame! All my life, in physics, math and logic, I have been taught about the consistency of time (under baseline limitations- don’t get me started on poor Albert now). A good six months or so ago, I made a decision with minimal forethought on its implications on possibly the most important day in my non-research-grant-awarded, not-yet-doctrate-obtained, non-US-presidency-winning, non-married existence. I decided to follow educational pursuits half way across the globe.
Caught in a time wrap, stuck in the past by a good half day, in the place I thought was centuries advanced in thought and deed. Now if that doesn’t make this confusing enough, add a liberal dose of day-lights savings in, and there you are, with a complete loss of day, time and hour. 

I shall go with the flow of time, as great philosophers of my kind often do. Its my birthday on the 13th day of the 11th month. On the 12th hour (in the pm) of the 12th night if you will. Eastern standard time. Its my day and I shall hold it on my time!

PS: Blaming the time zone is not an excuse- if you haven’t wished me already, you will be eternally damned in hell!

How to Fall In Love- Part 2

November 6, 2008 at 2:01 pm | Posted in bong, How To | 9 Comments
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A Lesson on Prospecting….

Last weekend was truly a reality check. An awesome trip through nature, enjoying the sight of fall leaves withering,cold and dehydrated…taking pictures of them, as they fall down to the ground dead and lifeless. A beautiful sight worth romance indeed.

That was also when one of my closest friends told me he was getting married in less than a year from now. Flabbergasted. My first hit-on-the-head that my age had crossed those goofy college years was when girlfriends told me they were getting married. With others. Blame arranged marriage, but girls my age are now either too busy nursing their babies or developing them, that they are no longer on the list of prospects. Legitimate babies, mind you.

But well, Boo (name changed to protect identity) is the first guy in the group thats taken this “last step forward”. That he is also the only guy in the group with anything even mildly close to female companionship is immaterial at this point of discussion. And Im pretty sure that all the other guys are going to run in too. One has already resigned to letting the elders do the sights, and I hear his jaadhagam (astronomical grid that has the address of the bride/groom-to-be) is already on the front cover of Mylapore Maami’s Guild. Another is sifting through Bangalore hoping to reap something worthwhile, and has accepted my advice to sport the devdas look. 

Last weekend I also had the benefit of deep discussions with famous philosopher Chirayu. Yes, that’s a name. This post is, in fact, the juice of this genius discussion. Genius, primarily because he agreed with most of what I said, but Im going to go with the fact that this ingenious philosopher is older (by 6 months) and wiser (has a Masters) and therefore speaks objective truth. 

The Art of Prospecting

If you are 24, indian, male and single (and not trying), chances are you are going to be that way for a pretty long time to come. Except for the 24 part, that is. And after a point, the trying part just doesn’t matter either.

Remember that boyfried-girlfriend couple in college? The one that wasted their time going to merry-go-rounds in MGM while you headed to the TASMAC? Remember thinking about how they were wasting their young days and individualism? About how you were laughing when they told you they were going to get married the day they got out of college, just in case they ever did? Sit in a corner and cry now, moron. And then join me for another TASMAC, if you will. 

When guys are in high school and start going out with their first girl friend, they have dreams of a beautiful marriage, a house with dogs (kids are still out) and a good life ahead, By the time they get to the middle of college with their fifteenth, the thought cycle doesn’t get much beyond transplanting saliva, and hope to transfer genetic material as well. By the thirtieth its just trial and error.

Women, on the other hand, start with a trial period before maturing into a dream-angel-that-did-not-go-out-with-markiv stage (termed ‘soul’ in classic Tamil literature)*. By the time they move to the final years of college, they have it all figured out.


Assuming a guy and a girl are in true, eternal, divine, deiveega love, lets run a root cause. The girl could have lost hope of repeat romance and just stuck on to the trial, or experience and societal pressures could have pushed her to commitment. Obviously the optimal case for the ‘Guy’ parameter is if this were his first (and only) relationship. Ever. 

Now, guys, don’t just close your browsers already. I know your love history most likely resembles Mount Road surface after the rains, but we really got something for you too.

Now back to the analysis. I don’t really think there exists a high enough chance of a newbie guy going out with an experienced other. Riffs would erupt, egos would mount, hell would break lose. And the girl would just sign the guy off as a kid. No. That must not be. Most often it is the firsts from both dimensions that seems to work.

That brings us to our predicament- yours and mine. The next is probably not going to be your first. For the remainder of this discussion, lets assume that you, at least briefly at this point, decide to make this your last. Face it- the years are running through. Guys around have started sealing their duality. Girls your age are out. Reality!

Prospecting begins with understanding the problem. Indian girls generally get married around 24, with a threshold between 22 and 26. Familial pressure starts at around 21 and most girls give in and leave the matter to the afore mentioned mylapore maamis guild by about 23. Further most of this set would be off the candidates list by their 24th birthday.  

Most good looking girls, 24 and over, still not married either have a very high pressure tolerance or are already committed. And there is a good chance that most 23-and-over lovers end up getting married. Not due to any higher maturity here, but simply because they have far lesser time to hate each other before the marriage-age (as opposed to the good 6-8 years from early college). Not much of a chance here.

And if a girl looks good and has been warding off the pressures at home, despite being single enough, there is a good chance she has been getting a lot of RFPs (request for proposal, you non IT nits!). And if she still remains single, chances of you going out with her are pretty low. Especially for someone who has to read blog posts on How to Fall in Love!

But the bright side is, women tend to know that guys would tend to know that if they (girls) were single at 24 the chances of a guy asking them out is pretty low (due to the afore mentioned). That makes them more desperate at a threshold age of realization. I would ball park this at around 22-23. 

There you go- find a beautiful, single, non-pressurized-but-likely-to-be, indian girl and time your RFP to the threshold age. Oh and did I mention smart? In case that leaks out (and that is a good thing) just make sure she understands the “Guess 2/3 of the Average Game”**.

Note: If you are 26 or older the game’s up for you old pal. Trust the Mylai Maamis. 

PS: If you are a girl and think you satisfy the good looking part please do send me an offliner. The Mylapore Maamis have it against me ever since I wrote this!

Claimers and Otherwise:

*- One may assume that some women, most women or all women jump over this stage, depending on the amount of feminist one assumes oneself to be. 

**- In case you are too tired to read through, this is a game in which each player’s move is his best strategy, based on his assumption of what the other players would pull. Like speculation in the stock markets. 

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