How to Fall in Love….

October 17, 2008 at 4:50 pm | Posted in How To, King markiV returns | 6 Comments
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I have decided to write. I have been wanting to for a while now. No, not just on this blog. The irregularity here, I have pretty much consoled myself to.  Perhaps even reconciled to the inability, googling and wiki-ing writer’s block and a thousand other phrases that could merely justify my lack of initiative.

I have even been talking about moving to my own domain. I don’t know why. From the looks of it, even the ownership of this space, with its sporadic posts, most of whose quality no longer impresses my sophisticated clientele of two, is a bit too off target. I either need newer ideas, which aren’t coming in, or newer clientele, that aren’t thronging either! Then again, I have the cash, and everybody with any internet knowledge and cash are buying their own domains. So Im just going to get mine and justify the venture to myself with the claim that it would at least suffice as an address when I get into doing what I eventually should be doing- making more money.

Anyway, this post is not even about any of that. This is a post that I have been wanting to write, perhaps even before the launch of my first blog ever (I have subsequently had three before this one, all killed due to illness, disease, old age and bad frequency).

No, its not the average run-off-the-mill How-To post. I can pretty much throw a guarantee that an honest following of the directions below would find you in truest of true love. If you don’t I’ll give you back every penny you paid for this advice right here.

Quite obviously, those in true love would never even think of commoditizing their apparent pot of gold, while those outside would ideally not be advice-worthy. Therefore the great responsibility comes down to me, the knowledgeable, wise and good. And since the knowledgeable, wise and good are currently working on Open-Source G-Phones, its my word against yours. And the comments are moderated.

For starters, let’s begin with a basic defenition I would be using in a greater part of this post, and any follow ups if my end button starts working again (got pulled out during a game a couple of weeks back and though I don’t really much ever used the key, the difference is kind of distracting). The concept of singularity and duality. 

Any sixth grader would know that these glorious words take roots in advanced particle physics. Science, maths, philosophy, Swamy and a bunch of other documented crap would go great depths to bring in the various absolute, relative, objective, subjective views of these concepts. And to give them theri fair credit, their contribution has been to the greater good of mankind- you and me. Actually, it hasn’t….

But well, the meaning should be pretty obvious. Singularity is a status of single-ness, a term used to define one’s inability to impress a girl, and further cover it up with excuses of quality, attitude and preference. Duality refers to the status of non-singularity, marked by the existence of a single person in two states- the boyfriend and the girlfriend.

The uncertainity theory clearly states that it is impossible to claim, with 100% confidence both the state and level of desperation of a person. That is, the surer we are about our percieved singularity or duality, the less certain we will be about our level of desperation. Therefore, the truly single or dual person tend to live in ignorance of their own despo status until external realization dawns in, muddling the clarity in their status.Further, extreme duality may be associated with a nagging sense of foreboding, and a total loss of individualism. The terms could further be extrapolated to single-dom, though a specific dual-dom does not exist.

The concept of existing in more than two states, wherein a single boyfriend can peacefully co-exist with more than one woman is laughably negligible since peacefully and co-exist are impossible assumptions in the subject matter of two girls. In similar light, since multiple boyfriends tied to a single girl break the very purpose of a girlfirend- to break any form of intra male communication channels, this again is not a case worth consideration.

Now that we got that cleared, this post is a guide to move from singularity to duality. I do not endorse the move, however. Nor do I oppose it. In fact I understand the pains of either side pretty simply put.

Let us analyze the case of singularity here. I go as much to put forth the hypothesis that singularity is often not a field of choice. If you are living a solo, pathetic life with no one to call to on those boring evenings, sitting around commenting on the hours your not-so-single friends spend on the phone, and getting unwarranted “How To”s from every tom, DICK and hairy, especially female dicks and hairy’s, I don’t really believe you are enjoying those glorious moments. I know you yearn to have a beautiful tamil-movie-love that brings joy to your existence. I know it sounds like a sad life. That’s probably because it is. And its not even worth a debate- I say so!

On the other side, if your life consists of hours listening intently to meaningless gibberish on the phone while your “free” friends are having a riot commenting around, bound by having to make those incessant phone calls every few hours and pretty much have a tied down life with neither time, nor patience, nor energy, nor the independence to do what you would logically assume to be greater pleasures of being a man, that couldn’t really be much fun either. Since logical people would not take this upon themselves, one would be motivated to claim that duality, therefore, is not a field of choice either. However, since we are talking about the romantics here, the assumption of logic in the previous line does break down.

The point being- love is a field of choice. It probably does happen miraculously when you bump into the perfect one across the library or when you thrash the bunch of assholes who were throwing sexist comments in her vicinity. There again, the assumption of “perfect one” is quite questionable. Moreover, I wouldn’t presume the average reader around here (direct and those who google for stuff like this”) to have ever walked around a library, let alone beat up meanies. In fact I could quite safely assume you’d be amongst the guys making those sexist comments.

No. I hate to break your heart. But “Love through Accident” is not for you. Don’t get disillusioned by taking the accident part too literal. You’d rather have an auto guy put you in that hospital and that humungous middle aged mallu nurse aunty at Best Hospitals sew those cuts than a hot babe that looks down and goes “achachooo”.

No my friend. The only way to break the single barrier is through strategizing. Through careful planning. Contigencies. Deep thought. More strategizing. Generous donations to my paypal.

The first step in your elaborate plan-de-plan (anything to do with plans, secrecy or love have to be French. Anything with a “de” in the middle becomes French!) is to define the viewpoint. I have observed successful relationships over the years, success defined merely by the ability to coexist in the same room with less than three attempts to murder in one hour. In general, the plan-de-plan takes one of two decisive game plans. The cockroach plan and the mosquito plan. While both have their obvious advantages, the use of either technique is completely an individual choice.

The planning phase, which pretty much consists of identifying the path to be taken and the initial prospecting, is fairly common. At the end of this phase however, the experienced player should be able to determine the mode of operation to get started with the conquest of love since each mode takes drastically different approaches to this issue.

The Cockroach Plan: A sumptuous dinner waiting on the table. Another cup for the coffee. And who must you find waiting on the sink’s edge?

The best, and possibly the most satisfying solution cockroaches is to strike them multiple times, between their second leg and the mean distance between the third and end-of-body point. Of course the trusty broom would do just as good- breaking their body into unidentifiable pieces and throwing them around for other roaches to eat, therefore pushing them towards a degeneration of their moral fibre, decadence and an eventual destruction of the roach civilization.

The cockroach plan takes a pretty similar view point. Strike with minimal resources, but strike fast and efficient before the victim (love-ee) has a chance to realize.

The Mosquito Plan: Ever so gently as you drift into the glorious semi-dream pre-sleep state, sinking back into the soft comforts of your bed, the covers thrown lazily over your torso, imagine that irritating whistle as the most elusive of beasts flies by.

Waking up and trying to kill that mosquito would not generally have the same effect. You could shoo-shoo them all night and still they would have gotten enough of your blood to donate to Hindu Mission Hospital. And the whistle would continue. The mosquito-way involves technology. Procurement. Your sleep is pretty much ruled out tonight, but tomorrow could be secured with the mats and coils and creams and sprays. The pleasures of watching those flying dingbats get drowsy and fall off as you drift into peaceful sleep, inhaling more monoxides than you would care is in itself worth last night’s bite.

An important note here is that the mosquito plan requires a more detailed plan than merely point-and-shoot. It requires the investment of time and capital. A slow diffusion of thought. However, the mosquito plan is generally more workable than the cockroach plan. Especially because there is a lesser chance of you coming out looking stupid if the plan bombs.

Now, now, don’t jump in yet. This is merely the tip of the iceberg of an elaborate thesis. Yes, my friend. You can fall in love too. Or at least hope to. May be not, but then, that’s just you.

 

P.S.: I hope to put up a follow through post. Sometime.

P.P.S.: I am also getting married to the girl I have been in love with for over nine years now. 

P.P.P.S.: No, Im not really, but that’ll teach you not to waste time around post scripts.

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6 Comments »

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  1. i have deflowered your comments section 🙂

    i also prefer duality over the…err…other thing (sorry ya, don’t remember what it is called, been too long 😉 )

    for the record, i am also firm supporter of ‘Love Through Accident’ method. *vote*

  2. Hilarious, this.
    But seriously, being single is the supreme honor to the own self for obvious reasons i think..and you save petrol, mobile bills , SB savings and a lot of other stuff. And ‘course, its better to wake up to ur mom’s late morning suprabaathams than the “oh my eddy-teddy-lovey-doggy-honey” wake up calls..
    Ah, Cockroaches , Mosquitoes.Never knew their purpose on the big bad world could be elevated to such levels!;-)

  3. Good one!

  4. different kind compared to your usual ones.. Seems like u are geared up for something :-):-)

  5. 😀

    So lemme get this straight. In case they decide to put a nuclear bomb, the ones with a cockroach plan will be safe?

    No wait.

    My friend says he no longer feels mosquito bites. Does that mean he’s…? :O

  6. […] over to Mark’s blog where he gives (a rather long) analysis of “how to fall in love”, […]


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